Since wanted to be a writer, tried hard to find her own
voice. Couldn't. But still loved to write. Loved to
play with language. Language was material like clay or
paint. Loved to play with verbal material, build up
slums and mansions, demolish banks and half-rotten
buildings, even buildings which she herself had
constructed, into never-before-seen, even unseeable
s Lot )
1 2002 9:52
weird thing about rabbit
rabbit, when you live alone, is that I don't
really talk out loud ... well... not much. So, I
stumbled from the bed, to the bathroom, to the computer,
to the kitchen, back to the computer and then I
said rabbit rabbit. But, I had been thinking a lot,
and I always worry that I did say something out
loud. Like I was remembering my dream, in which
there was lots of kooky imagery about wheelchairs
that had "cranes". So, when the people
in them fell into a pool the crane kicked in and
they rose up and rode across the surface. And there
was a kid who was ... uh ... I don't know ...
being adopted...er something...by a friend. And
I was talking to him. he looked like the picture
on the cover of Fugitive
Pieces, Which I had been reading
before I went to sleep. And more, all convoluted
and featuring a cast of characters from my life
and television. So, I know I was sitting on
the side of my bed thinking about this and I may
have muttered...sheesh, or weird, or something that
wasn't rabbit, rabbit. But I'm not sure. Sigh.
think Internet tests are odd. I rarely find an answer
to my question that actually expresses what I think.
And doncha know all this preamble is because I did
an Internet test. The
Belief O Matic. It turns out I'm a Neo-Pagan!
Who knew?! Kristina will be so proud! I saw that
Delacour had done it and I was tempted.
Mainline to Liberal
Christian Protestants (81%)
New Age (80%)
New Thought (69%)
(Church of Christ, Scientist) (66%)
Church of Jesus
of Latter-Day Saints(Mormons) (42%)
Conservative Christian/Protestant (29%)
all make sense to me. And Rebecca will love that
Jehovah's Witness showed up at all. My mom would
wonder why Methodist didn't show up.
wanted to watch Now
last night because I'd heard a
bit of it on NPR.
They were talking about a movement to build a wall
in the West Bank. They did a section that featured
Israelis and another featuring Palestinians. It
was pretty good. At first it seemed like it was
very pro Israeli, but in the second half it clearly
showed how racialized the Palestinians are. I don't
think a partition is an ultimate solution, but it
is tempting. I do think there needs to be two states
But I don't understand enough about the resources
there. And there does need to be leadership. Visionary
leadership. Truth and reconciliation.
2 2002 9:14
It's gonna be sweet. Suzanne has such a beautiful attitude about
music. She's not a diva. She's just in the music. And the guys
are kind and generous. I'm just having so much fun.
has snapped me into a ton of reminiscing and life assessment.
Of course... it doesn't take much to get me there. I am SUCH
a diva. Picture me, hand against forehead, moaning, "What
happened to my beautiful rock-n-roll career?" Oh yeah.
It's all about me.
when I'm there singing my line, it just feels so good. And Suzanne
is so good at just being with everyone and getting through the
song and being happy.
rehearsal Carrie took Suzanne and I out for Thai food. Thank
spent some more frustrating time trying to make perma links.
No luck. But I did do a June
page. Let me know if the colors bug anyone. I have the thought
that the way I store my archives is part of my permalink problem.
For now I'm going to keep putting a few days on Before
and then moving them to the page of the month. Is everybody
was reading bobbi this
morning, as I do every day. She was musing about why she does
her journal. I go there for the art. Often she posts the most
amazing photos and compositions. Just looking at them makes
me feel better about life. Because there is so much beauty in
the world. I have one of her photos as my desk top.
I also go there because she is so heart wide open on her page.
She just puts her life out there. All the fussy parts, and all
sent me into a reverie about the whole why do we do this question.
(See, it's all about me.) And, as always, I came up with a variety
of answers to that question. There is this continuing conversation
about web community. And I do read around in my little blog
cluster. But, there's more than one cluster, overlapping circles
in this big pond. Into which I hurl my message in a bottle.
now...I must go swimming.
3 2002 8:18
was beautiful. The band was beautiful. The music
was beautiful. Really. My heart was ripped open.
There was a lovely audience, full of her friends.
There were kids. Her son ran up and filled her cup
with tea. So sweet. Her daughter was there. Her
ex was one of the musicians. Carrie was there,
carrying equipment and sweeping and setting up the
lights. I sang my backup. So much fun.
and I had been swimming in the morning. She was
there making sure I had a ride and someone to ground
me. Thank you Marilyn.
I was a kid, I dressed up and sang for the adults.
I put on my mothers robe and sang Happy Talk,
from South Pacific, my hand pushed through the big sleeves,
making talking gestures.
talk keep talking happy talk
about things you like to do
got to have a dream
you don't have a dream
a dream come true?
As a preteen, I spent hours singing
along with records, piled on my turquoise record
player. On into the teens. I used singing to comfort
myself. I spent hours pretending I was Janis Joplin,
Joan Baez, Bonnie Raitt. Choir, madrigals, the school
musicals, music saved me.
for a few years in Boulder, I was lucky enough to have my band, Fatshadow.
almost never sing anymore. I'm not sure why. It
feels like unrequited love.
that's coz I'm a drama queen. A diva. Hand to forehead.
What ever happened?
it just felt like being home.
came home and had some lovely comments. Some more musing on
why we do this blog/journal thing. Mike
thinks maybe it's unanswerable. Shirl
thinks it's about connecting. I know it made me happy to see
comments, so maybe Shirl has a point. But, I must admit...I
agree with Mike that no answer "rings like crystal."
just a grrrl in her mother's bathrobe. A diva. Singing for my
supper. See me? See me? See me?
got to have a dream
you don't have a dream
a dream come true?
4 2002 9:34
was I doing before I got distracted with enjoying
my life? Oh yeah. I need a job.
the big summer writing project begins tomorrow. What am I writing
yesterday with Marilyn. Doin chores. We took my vacuum cleaner
to an repair shop. A very nice man is doing healing repair things
on my poor little vacuum.
was still basking in the glow of loving being with music n stuff.
know, I just don't want the government telling any one that
they must be married.
In the name of "healthy marriages," President Bush and House Republicans are
proposing to divert a minimum of $1.8 billion in welfare funds towards programs
that promote marriage and give states economic incentives to spend even more
TANF money on marriage promotion to the non-poor population.
Chicken pointed to this
indictment of SF politics. Very cool. The animation
of the day is also pretty great. But, if your computer is slow
or tweaks when it gets any fancy script, you might not be able
to see it.
is on Democracy Now.
She's written about the nuclear
gotta say, the Brunching
Shuttlecocks crack me up. (I have all of those magnets.)
( It's crazy)
I'm just playing here. The minute I stop writing here, I must
launch into the big summer writing project. Oh dear.
5 2002 9:32
I mention Suzanne's singing? Amazing, beautiful,
sweet, rich, singing? Did I mention any of that?
Maybe if I had started working on the big summer
writing project earlier in the day, I wouldn't have
crashed. But I decided to update my YAAKS (the comments)
code. It seemed inevitable. I had to fix all the pages and it took a while.
And it still isn't exactly doing what I think it's suppose
Meanwhile, other things happened. Can't talk about
em. Too stupid. ( It was about boys.)
came over, and then Rick. We went out for Mo's burgers.
I was happy while I was with them. But then I was
was laying in bed, reciting the list of all the
men who have not wanted me and suddenly I just said
STOP IT. Today I have a kind of a hang over. Like
I beat myself internally and I'm black and blue.
The Southern Poverty Law Center has added Weight Discrimination to
its tolerance campaign. It's pretty great and includes an on line bias test.
But it also sends people to The
American Obesity Association rather than a Health
at any size site. And they use the appellation
over weight. Perhaps they need to take their own
I'm in a mood.
ill-becoming for an old broad to sing about how bad she wants it.
But occasionally we do. - Lena
6 2002 8:36
the thing. June can be weird for me. My birthday is on the twentieth
and I get very fussy and stupid about my birthday. Really. It's
just go through lists of everything I haven't done, or things that
I don't think worked out, and I indulge in quite a bit of it's-too-late
thinking. And I think about all my unrequited loves.
I'M JUST NOT GOING TO DO IT THIS YEAR.
I'm going to try.
has this great
attitude about her birthday. And I just need to get over myself.
Then I found this fun birthday
reminder site. And had fun sending e-mails to my friends. I'm trying to just be...open. Birthdays
are good. Everyone should have a day when they eat cake. Or what
ever they want to do.
I'd pulled my head out of my ass I started playing with the site.
Figured out the YACCS problem and fixed it. The bad news is that
I may have to redo all the pages.
you know that we are one of the very few
countries that haven't signed the The Women's Human Rights Treaty
? Can I be more frustrated with the president
select? Well. Yes. As it
turns out, I can. But, don't tell him I said that. You can get
trouble if you don't like him.
Balloon Hat Photo
of the Week is very cool. It was taken in the Thar Desert during in 1998.
The Thar desert is
tested and developed its first
nuclear weapon. There is a legend.
Shri Ram drew an arrow in his bow, targeting
Lanka, the island capital where his wife was held captive by the demon king,
Ravana. However, such were its destructive powers that the gods pleaded with the
Lord to desist from his intended purpose. But the arrow once drawn could not be
pulled back and thus Rama pointed the arrow to a far-flung sea. The heat
generated by the arrow dried the sea and in its place arose a dry, arid and
Roy has written a piece in the Nation.
is an interesting comment
box. Just write in it. Write anything.
and Carl are on the radio today. And today she's talking about
be on the show! Reading Rage.
It's on CFUV. You can listen
to it on Real
Audio. It should be BIG fun.
put this on Blogsisters.
Why stick people are extinct.
See. It's better to be fat.
7 2002 9:58
was all over the place. First on The
View. And it was good. She was great. She's so sweet and centered.
And cute! But it was TV. Fast, clip. Then Pattie
interviewed her on First Person Plural. A much warmer and more real
the whole First Person Plural show was great. Smart and informed.
got e-mails this morning, from my meat space friends, with
links to other on line journals. Heh. Pretty fun. Marilyn has a
friend, who has a friend, who does a journal
and wrote a lovely bit about being fat. Kristina (who, it appears,
is posting more often in her own
journal) turned me on to two
new journals and
Mary Carmen stopped by my site and left a lovely comment. I love
this stuff!!! Ever wider circles.
some of my cyber space friends are doing new things. Paul
started a new blog.
bobbi had a slew of
new art links on her page. People are branching, seeking, expanding.
not doing a great job at avoiding my pre-birthday blues. Yesterday
I got into a bit of a funk. Ah, yes...being a Gemini
is so much fun. So, I got some movies in an attempt to distract
myself. I watched Ali.
It's a beautiful movie. Really. I didn't think I'd watch the boxing
scenes, but they were compelling. It's a political movie.
spent the morning listening to the Judicial hearing on the FBI on
KPFA. Boxing seemed like ballet.
Mirror Project is a
8 2002 10:15
night I saw Last
Chance For Eden. Amazing.
to see if they wanted to go. Kobi was working, so Kara and I
went. I was happy to see her, and in a pretty good mood. (I'm really
working on it!!!) Kara dropped me off at the door and went to go
park. As I got out of the car I saw a five dollar bill on the ground.
Woo hoo! Just as I got to the ticket counter a woman turned and
offered to sell me one for 10.00. (They were 15.00) Hey, my good
mood was getting better and better.
we walked in to the theater. I'm hyper about getting to places early.
I joke that it's coz I was born a month early. But the truth is,
I never know if I'm going to fit into the seats. We were at the
Palace of Fine Arts theater. There are arms on the chairs. They're
wide, but the arms are low and so I barely fit. I knew that I'd
spend the evening shifting around, trying to be comfortable. It's
a fat thing. you spend an evening in a chair. The arms are digging
into your skin. You leave with black and blue marks on your hips.
But you never complain. Fortified by Kara, I decided to ask for
were two chairs off to the side. There was a space at the end of
a row in which I could put the chair. I wouldn't be blocking
any aisle. I approached a woman usher and asked if I could borrow
one. She'd been watching my struggle to get in, and out of the theater
seat. She was tight and clip. The word no was out of her mouth before
I got to the end of my question. I said, "Well, ya know, in
the city of San Francisco, you are required to provide me with a
went off to find an answer, came back, still terse, announced they
could put me where they put the wheel chairs. She moved one of the
chairs to the front. As she put it down, she noted that it
was wobbly and admonished me to be careful.
there I am. Fighting back tears and anger. Gingerly sitting on a
wobbly chair. About to watch a movie about diversity.
was some music from a band, Mahal. Nice music. I could barely listen,
because I was busy processing. I don't want to ruin the evening
for Kara, but I want to leave. Suddenly, I'm hurt and angry and
movie is the real real. A group of folks talking about racism and
sexism in an encounter group type setting. I was struck by the fact
that we saw almost everyone in the group cry, or at least well up.
May be this doesn't seem unusual in an encounter, or therapy, group,
but these folks were talking about racism and sexism and the pain
of living with them, the damage to us, individually and as a group.
This stuff hurts.
thing that stands out for me is the way in which white people don't
want to be seen as racist. In other words, just because of the color
of my skin, don't pre judge me. And it pisses the people of color
off. People of color live every day of their lives in a culture
that thinks something about them because of the color of their skin.
Can't white folks deal with some pain?
when we connect as individuals, there is pain, and fear. We
wonder about each other. Are you going to allow me my experience?
Are you going to be in solidarity with me? Are you going to understand
the ways in which you are complicit with the culture that oppresses
me? Do you understand your privilege and how will you use that privilege?
Will you be my ally?
cried at several points. But I had already been crying. I had already
been disrespected, discounted, disappeared because of an attribute
of physicality. And, honestly, I just don't believe that I'm
going to get the support I need to advance an understanding of my
and I left a bit early. We were hungry and hoping to hook up with
Kobi. As we walked out, there was a table laden with food, waiting
for the film to end and the party to begin. Kara went for it. I
went to the bathroom. I was thinking, it must be nice to feel comfortable
to walk up to a table of food, in a public place, and not feel as
if you are going to be judged
if you eat something.
the movie is powerful. I can't recommend it highly enough. And it's
important work. And we need to talk about racism and sexism. And
maybe, someday, fatism.
think some people think if we address sexism and the media and women's
bodies aren't objectified, that fatism will go away. I don't.
I think a fat man asking for a chair might have gotten a more
respectful response. I read about a famous NYC restaurant and
the rapid response system they have when big, powerful, business
men arrive. They get the chair to the table before anyone asks.
It might be some what true that it's easier for fat men in the world.
(Especially rich ones) But easier is not good enough. No one should
dissed for an attribute of physicality.
and I went to Mezes
and got some dinner. It was great be with her. I'm lucky to have
friends who think and feel and engage in deep ways.
shit. It took so much fucking work...just to go out and see a film.
A film about diversity.
say it's your birthday
Birthday to you!
Birthday Blogsister fellow Gemini Jeneane! I wish you peace.
was feeling so low yesterday. I watched The
Phantom Menace. Big mistake. It just seemed so full of bad racially
problematic imagery. I loved Star
Wars. Loved it. I loved the idea of something larger (the force)
that you are part of and in which you can trust. I read Joseph
Campbell. I trusted. I sought out my own path of courage. But
in this movie they test blood to determine Jedi ... ancestry
... I guess. So, I guess you have to have ... the right blood. I dunno. Maybe I was just in a mood.
got on line in the afternoon and read some comments from my lovely
friends. Thank you.
went wandering in Blogland, stopped by AKMA
and ... what a relief. He got me. Thank you. Balm to my depleted
spirit. Thank you.
are two women I know in meat space and Pattie, who I met in
but I feel as if I've know her for years. This is the first time
I've written to AKMA, although I read him daily. I guess I expect
support from people I know. And I expect support from women. It
was nice to have a man, who I don't know, hear me.
of the issues for people who aren't living in a privileged
body is visibility. And it is hard to hope for support. I often
feel as if I'm begging people to take the fat stuff seriously.
is pondering identity from different views. The identity I put forth
on line is pretty much who I am. But, not all of me. It's unlikely
that anyone ever gets all of me, or that I get all of any one. But,
on line it is possible to create a completely false identity. And
even if you give much of yourself on line there are reasons
to hold some things back.
given to withdrawing into miserable little spaces in which I mistrust
everyone. Old habits of hurt. Friday I was reaching out. Saturday
I was wounded and withdrawn. But, I peeked out. When I stay open
there is much for which to be thankful. People reach out to each
other,across distances. Elaine
and Andrea are weaving
a shield for Mike.
all over the web people are wishing Jeneane a Happy Birthday!
10 2002 9:32
now have a pattern. I do the blog crawl, write the page, go swimming,
eat lunch, take a nap, read and watch TV. I try to work on
writing but, generally, on Sunday's, I can't seem to concentrate.
And now TV is repeats of the already dubious shows I watch.
I still had one rented movie. Bread
and Tulips. I made popcorn and watched it. Very sweet.
start therapy tonight. Oh yeah. It's a Radical
Psychiatry group. I've been wanting to be in a group with Beth
for a few years. I'm pretty happy about it. And I'm a little scared.
such a depressive. I mean really, if you aren't a little depressed,
And I have my tweaky personal history. I don't think it's entirely
odd that I might be depressed now and again.
it's pure grief, or rage.
I spiral. And I contract.
really trying to break down the habits. My reflexive fear and loathing.
I need to be able to do the writing that I'm trying to do. And I
get stuck in the emotions. I get wiped out. Paralyzed.
unlikely that I'm going to ever be a bliss girl. I'm hoping being
in a group will help me to understand how to be with others when
I'm working through my shit. Rather than isolate.
tonight I try therapy. I've done therapy. It was good. And I love
the political perspective of Beth's work. So....
seems auspicious given the weird
sunset we're going to have tonight.
11 2002 9:17
is gonna be interesting. Obviously I can't write about it here.
It would be bad faith to talk about the group. Except, I think I
can say that I was in a room with some amazing, brave, thinking,
feeling people committed to telling the truth.
Beth is great.
don't worry Mike. I'm not even trying to get happy. I think it was
Freud who said, "happiness is for pigs." I'm trying to keep myself
honest and engaged. But it was a good thing
to come home and have a comment from you, (an amazing, brave, thinking,
feeling person.) I was trying to add my own
gris gris energy to the handy work of the crone
and her apprentice.
And reading you
to make sure it was going well. Good to hear you were up to some
mojo of your own.
interesting to try and explain blogging to a new person. It sounds
a bit like a cult. It's difficult to convey the passion, the affection
between bloggers, the appeal of this public/privacy.
about this beautifully. And although I was in a group of people
in meat space - for the purpose of telling the truth, and it felt
real and great, It felt real and great, when I came home and
saw Mike's comment. I mean, some part of doing the page every day
is about telling personal truth in a public space. It is another
way I keep myself honest.
also got a comment from Suzanne, (an amazing, brave, thinking, feeling
person.) Someone who I know in meat space, but who reads me
in cyber space. I have a few friends who I know read me regularly
and I am soooo grateful to them. And I do feel a
bit hurt when I ask a friend ( in meat space) if they read me and
they don't. I mean, according to my stats it takes about a minute
and a half to read me. This page is really important to me. It's
my baby writer steps. It does seem like the blogger crowd gets
the importance of this for me. But, I'm never sure they read me!!!
And I know my friends do!!!
yeah. I need therapy.
wise, it was a fun day. I hung out with Marilyn. We did errands
and then ate pasta. At 6 we sat on her neighbor's steps holding a
piece of card
board with little round holes in it, watching the fat shadow of
the moon move across the sun.
I meet with my big summer writing project mentor.
a shout out to my friends in Colorado.
12 2002 9:09
doing my happy
a talk with Suzanne yesterday about my use of the term meat space.
Then in the afternoon I had another talk with Kristina about it.
It really demonstrates one of the many splits in my thinking.
didn't come up with it. When
I first read it (and I don't remember where that was ) I laughed.
Part of me thinks of the body as something temporary. A container.
Meat. I kinda think if you have no problem with the idea of chicken
bodies as meat, you should have no problem with the idea of human
bodies as meat. I like to think that the spirit is ... more than
... the body.
bodies are so fetishized in the culture, I sometimes feel dismissive
Much of how I experience a person is about how they are in their
body and how I feel in my body when they're near me. So, are they
tense? Where do they hold that tension? Do they look me in the eyes?
It isn't a good bad thing. It's more of me noticing if someone seems
comfortable in their body.
trust my body. If I feel tense, I pay attention.
cyberspace it's about the words on the page, the topics and themes.
And the images. And the links. So, I form affections based on language
and color and expression with little knowledge of the body. I've
been disoriented when I'm clicking around and I see a blogger, or
radio template, that I usually see on folks I read regularly ...
but it's not them. It's almost like the template becomes their body
for me and someone else's words are on that body. Er, somethin.
you can read tension and discomfort. Yesterday, as I was reading
around, I watched one blogger, get their feelings hurt and react,
and another respond. All this in the course of an hour or so, while
I was eating my Cheerios. And I worried the whole event. My heart
stretched toward these two ... strangers. They seem to have worked
space is probably a bit too rude. I am given to being sardonic.
I live in a culture where my body has no meaning, or negative meaning.
I work for acceptance of and love of my body. When I meet new people
I assume they'll think I have a "weight problem" and I
make assumptions about that based on how they look at me, and, honestly, how
they look. Some people are going to quickly assume that I'm not
I am very cool.
I know they'll know that, once they get to know me and once I've
charmed them and wooed them and been so smart and funny and engaged.
So, I rely on my brain and know that my body won't be a factor
in the relationship.
obvious exception to this is if it's a man, and I'm attracted to
him. That's when I go crazy.
people I read in Blogaria may have opinions about my body, but I
don't see it when they click away.
write about fat politics and I have links to pages about health
at any size
and fat revolution,
here. But I don't
know how many people spend the time to educate themselves about
folk believe what the media
never have to look a fellow blogger in the eye and see their
rejection of my body. I never have to see- Tish is really cool
but I wish she'd loose weight- in their eyes.
is one person, who used to link to me and doesn't any more. And
now they write what they eat on their web page. I'll never know,
since they never wrote to me directly, but I wonder if they decided
that I was this delusional fat chick who just needs to stop eating
donuts and go jogging. So, they took off the link, stopped reading
me and started dieting. I don't know that. But I do think that it
might be true.
have been a few folks, mostly at school, who have said things
to me about reading the page, or knowing me and how that has changed
the way they think about fatness.
spirit, mind and body are one thing. I've spent too much of my life
trying to be cool because my body wasn't. It may, in the end, be
meat. But it's not the end.
13 2002 8:57
and Carl show today! Also, Pattie
is in the Mirror Project! Carl tip-toed into Blogaria a while ago.
I've been checking now and then to see if he posts. Well... he has
posted!! Check him
made the best soup! I had some carrots that were getting soft. I
boiled them in chicken broth, added some tofu and a bit of miso,
blended the whole mess. It was so good!
was on Crossfire. (Scroll
down to the bottom to read it.) Houston
has hired a diet tzar. She went on to debate him. He couldn't
pronounce obesity. And one point he just went off about weight not
did a great job. Watching CNN gives me a headache. Most ironic was
that the CNN guy who was on the side of not putting a city on a
diet was the guy from the right. I'm so frustrated about this!!!
Of course his big concern is that he won't be able to buy a Snickers
can close every fast food restaurant in the world. In fact PLEASE
do. I'll still be fat.
the guy on the left (and this is CNN - so right and left are barely
represented) kept attacking Marilyn with quotes about the negative
impact of fat on health.
Let me give you the rest of the list, Marilyn. In fact, high blood pressure,
high cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, gallstones, gout, arthritis,
sleep disorders, and bladder control problems. You think people would want to
lose weight just for the last one. But come on, you cannot pretend that obesity
does not lead to morbidity and ultimately mortality, right?
read an interesting post on the show
me the data list by Leah Strok, a nurse practitioner in NYC.
She did a thesis on the experience of fat folks in health care and
the benefit of a size positive health care environment. She writes:
I went to a conference on hypertension the other day and there was this "good
old boy" doctor who went on and on how people should lose weight. At the
end of the program I went up to him and asked him out of how many patients
did he tell to lose weight actually come back, lose weight and keep it off.
He responded "about 1%"
1%. Think about that. It works one percent of the time but he keeps
giving the same advice. She went on.
I asked him if he thought he was doing something
wrong. I told him that my patients always come back (my fat patients
anyway) and I have got their blood sugar and blood pressure under control.
He asked me what my secret was. I told him that "I NEVER tell them to lose
But my true anger happened when I was at an
"Obesity through the lifespan"
conference. This pediatrician (who specializes in children who are obese)
was discussing how they are starting to experiment with putting children on
diet pills. I was so furious that at the end of the program I asked her if
they ever thought about just teaching kids the value of nutrition and
exercise. She told me that nobody would fund that...
There it is!
not that the medical industry (yes I did say industry) doesn't know
that health at any size might be possible. But there's no funding
for those kinds of studies. Who funds the research that doctors
and CNN guys quote when they want to kick up a fear of fat ... the
enough to make you crazy. Crazy, furious, miserable.
summer writing project meeting got put off till today. Which was
fine. I've been getting up early and taking walks down to the wharf.
This morning was foggy and cold.
14 2002 8:45
meeting with my advisor for the big summer writing project was GREAT.
She said the nicest thing. She said ... tell me.
felt like every muscle in my body relaxed. I've been hearing show-don't-tell
for two semesters and a summer workshop. I'm sick of it. I do think
it's a good standard. There's nothing wrong with it. But sometimes
you just gotta TELL IT. And if you don't it's like you're playing
a game. Or lying. She also liked my epigraphs and understood why
they were important.
got off to an rocky start because she had read some of the memoir
and gotten the impression that I was more interested in the fictionalish
(heh - I made that word up - just now - heh) writing that I've been
doing in the program so far. So she was making fictionalish suggestions
and I thought my head was going to pop. But it turned around quickly
and we really started to talk.
deeply relieved and charged up about writing. She wants me to read
some craft books. Which is fine. When I first started the program
I bought a pile of them, read two or three and got bored. In a writing
program you spend so much time talking about writing. It's like
talking about sex. Too much talking and not enough doing starts
to feel ... bad.
still need a job. I've been frustrated and not dealing with that
fact. But I'm feeling ... I dunno ... lighter. Er something.
I am achey. I did my morning walk and my knee and hip were bugging.
Maybe it's going to rain.
say it's your birthday
Birthday to you!
15 2002 12:35
went to the YA YA
movie. My mom went because it looks like a mom/daughter movie. And
it was. I guess. She'll want to talk about it tonight. I went by
myself. It didn't suck. The music
was great. There were some great performances.
Rick and Renee picked me up and we went out for pasta.
already late on Saturday. I woke up early and went for
a walk, came home and started working on the page. Then Jean called
me!! So, I've been happily chatting with her for hours and don't
feel much like doing the page any more.
must work on the big summer writing project. Now.
16 2002 8:52
sperm with a sense of direction.
another one of those quips. Kinda like meat space. I didn't come
up with it but it appeals to my sardonic nature. It helps me when
I'm feeling hurt and mean.
I was three months old my mother and I got on a train and headed
to her mother's house. Mom had found lipstick on Dad's collar. It
sounds like a bad fifties rock ballad. It was 1953.
didn't meet my Dad until I was 12. My maternal grandmother told
me he was dead. My Mom would tell me that he wasn't dead; Grandma
just didn't believe in divorce.
early lesson in denial.
I met him I was a ball of desire and tension. He was mellow, self
contained and charming. He bought me a record player and Beatles
album. I had hope. Here was my dad. It was love.
love. Filled with longing. Seduced and abandoned. I went my way
and he went his.
the years I've spent a week or two with him, here and there. It
adds up to about a year, almost. And every year on Father's day
I call him. And the longing and the tension knock me down again.
am going to call him today. And I may get knocked down again. I
understand things now, in ways. I don't need a dad now. But
no amount of analysis saves you from your heart.
don't mind, much. This is my life. He is my father. These are
the feelings that cooked me. And I'm OK.
want to love men. I want to keep hoping. I don't mind feeling mean
and hurt, but I don't want to stay mean and hurt.
when I see kids with their dads I wonder. How would that feel? How
would it feel in your skin? It's not something I'm going to know.
17 2002 7:33
to Dad. He sounded old and tired. My Aunt tells me he's in decline.
was in a good mood when I talked to him. I'd been swimming and out
to lunch. Marilyn wanted to go to Walgreens. I bought the
Raitt and Vacation
and some printer paper.
I talked to Dad I buried myself in play. This morning I woke up
feeling a little weepy.
just don't feel like writing.
18 2002 8:28
talks about coming out as a fat person. It's an apt phrase. When
someone meets me they can see that I'm fat. What they don't know
is that I don't have a body ... and some fat. I have a fat body.
What I want to tell them is that there is sadness and oppression
and rage involved. I want to know if they hate fat bodies or if
they simply tolerate them, but secretly wonder why fat people don't
lose weight. I want to know if they're willing to look at fat bodies...
really look... and spend some time thinking about why they feel
and think the way they do. I want them to be open to seeing fat
bodies differently. I want them to be willing to see a fat body
without all the media intoxication. And be open.
I came out in group last night. It went well. They are nice people.
They are open. And I don't know why but today .... I'm a wreck.
do know why. It's so much work.
sick and tired of being sick and tired. -
Fannie Lou Hamer
19 2002 8:46
the ferry to Larkspur and Adrienne picked me up. We went for a coffee
and then to her house. She and Craig
and I had dinner. We sat on the deck and ate olives and cheese and
smoked sturgeon and drank martinis. Then Adrienne grilled jumbo prawn,
squash, red bell pepper, and red onion. So good! Then we ate corn
on the cob and avocado soup. And we drank whine and talked and talked
and talked and listened to great music. Essa and Charlie ( the dogs
) stared at us as if to say, "How can you not share those big
juicy shrimp with me? I'm so cute!"
have the computer station of my dreams. I was able to see my site
on a Mac and a PC, side by side. It looked OK. There are differences,
but nothing too traumatic.
was a lovely evening.
20 2002 8:46
birthday was pretty great. I know the nicest people in the universe.
took me out to lunch at Luna
Park. Perfect. She brought me the biggest bunch of flowers ever.
And then we went to Modern Times
and she got me books!
Ann sent me flowers and called me. So good to talk to her.
brought me a cute fat lady statue.
got cards and e-mails and comments and wonderful phone chats.
you. Thank you. Thank you.
didn't escape the birthday blues entirely. It's been an emotional
week. And the ramp
up of fat hatred made me tense.
I think exercise is a great and wonderful thing. I'm not sure it
should be public policy. No. I am sure. It should not be public
policy. Of course, I will be harassed about exercise and the 90
pound person who doesn't exercise will never hear a word.
me if I'll be flying Southwest.
Oh yeah. I really want to have a ticket agent make a judgement call
about the size of my ass.
"They think they can get away with it because they think discriminating
against people on the basis of weight will be acceptable to most of the
that. You know, I don't want to sit next to someone who doesn't
want my fat flesh pushed up on theirs. They should have the space
they need. And. So should I.
airline might want to have one row of seats, ONE ROW of seats, in
which larger folks can sit. A little wider. Longer seatbelts. ONE
let's remember ...
"They think they can get away with it because they think discriminating
against people on the basis of weight will be acceptable to most of the
are banking on the support of average size and thin people. They
will get letters from fat people saying this isn't fair. But
I wonder how many average sized or thin people will write to them.
They're counting on the climate of fat hatred. They want average
sized and thin people to hate and blame me ... not them.
a nice solstice.
So what gives in the world of nonfiction these days? Why is it leaning so close
to — maybe even into — the world of fiction? And why don't they just call it
Dennis Loy Johnson
22 2002 9:55
had another great birthday
meal with Kristina and her Mom. Kristina gave me a beautiful little
purse with a Vishnu
statue inside. Ah!! Thank you!
Gawd I'm a lucky grrrrl!
the weekends I listen to NPR (National Purchased Radio) and
sometimes I link to them. No
Southwest thing is a whirl wind. Sondra
is thinking up some kind of campaign. Marilyn
and Jennifer have
been doing so much media, I can't keep up. Letters
are popping up all over the web. Paul has a post on his blog
and stuff on Big Fat Blog.
am wondering if any of my thin and average sized friends will write
letters. I see no out rage in the blogs. I've read that there is
a lot of fat hatred being spewed on message boards.
has done a good job of misdirecting anger. Don't be mad at them
because you're squished into a seat and a fat person is pushing
up on you. Don't imagine that they might want to make some seats
wider to accommodate diversity. Hate me instead.
times things just need to be different
24 2002 7:33
you Elaine and Jeneane.
And Suzanne and Lynn.
pushed myself through the month of June. Trying not to let the blues
get me. And last week was a roller coaster. I'd feel happy and lucky
when I was with people and when I'd get home I would crash.
I went to a fat think tank where the conversation was about Southwest.
Of course. People are pissed. And hurt. And tired. And sad.
pissed and hurt and tired and sad.
night I heard a refrain of Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong coming
out of my TV. I looked and saw that it was a Southwest commercial.
Love? My fat ass.
not just about Southwest. It's about ... it all.
I just didn't know what to write.
I just wanted to say thanks to the folks who reached out.
25 2002 10:09
I'm in a writing program. And the first thing I do every morning
is write a little web thing. And I'm very depressed. I don't
feel like thinking in words. I feel like thinking in tears.
gotta write. Big summer writing project needs to be worked on.
been thinking about the way I experience my psychological story,
not as a narrative line, but as a back drop to now. If I turn
to the back drop I can point at the things are the shadows and
light of who I am today.
there's me, waiting for mom to come home from work. I'm sitting
on the steps of the Lutheran church at the top of our hill. That's
where the bus stop is. I have a few dolls to keep me company.
me, Fatty Patti, watching groups of kids on the playground,
trying to be invisible.
big shadow. That's a pretty bad story. I'll tell ya later.
my Dad, walking through the door. I'm eleven. I've never seen him.
He looks like a car sales man. He is a car sales man. I can't tell
if he's happy to meet me or if he's trying to sell me a car.
many moments that drift on a screen, just behind me.
aren't who I am. But they are how I've learned about life. At least
don't think they're going to go away. I don't think they should.
I can't stop looking at them.
26 2002 9:42
I know how to make myself feel better.
done some meager, but not entirely worthless, work on the big summer
writing project. It was dinner time and I was sick of my computer.
I walked up to Da
ate appetizers. Carpaccio, Prosciutto
figs, fava bean puree and tomato brucetta and sweet potato gnocchi. Flora
poured me red wine. For dessert I had chocolate short bread stars
with marscapone cream filing. Flora poured me a port. So good.
wasn't just the food. It was hearing Marybeth and Flora say, "We
were just talking about you!" There
is something about going to a place where the people know you.
put me in such a good mood that I walked up to Sodini's
to visit Anna and Linda. Again, as I walked in they were both yelling,
"Hey we've been wondering about you!" I sat at the bar
and ordered a Makers Mark.
They were pretty busy. A fellow sitting next to me made some weak
small talk. I had Bee
Season with me. He asked if it was a chick book.
been years since I sat in a bar. I was enjoying it. Anna poured
me a second drink. She was drinking some soup from a cup. She made
a comment to the guy about needing to watch her weight. They exchanged
some diet info. I sat there.
of these folks were way fat. They were a little beefy, in that
great pasta place kind of way.
paid for my drink and said my good byes. They all said come back
soon. Yeah. I really want to sit at a bar and listen to people talk
wasn't awful. I wasn't bummed out. I walked home in the soft SF
fog and felt lucky to be part of North Beach scene, in my own drop
out way. This morning I am woozy, but not in a bad way.
you imagine...you're a person with a physical attribute. Lets say
... you break out easily and often have zits. You go to your dermatologist.
You've tried a million products and you don't eat certain foods.
You have some success. But you just have skin that breaks out. You're
at a bar and the bar tender says they never eat fried food because
they don't want to break out.
How does that feel? Do you want to give them a list of all you've
done? Do you want to beg them to believe that you've tried to take
care of your skin? Do you feel like every zit is now six times bigger?
know how to make myself feel better. And I do feel better. But I
also feel the sadness. It's never far away.
27 2002 9:28
My friend Barbara (the best chiropractor in the universe) adjusted
my back and neck yesterday. Thank you Barbara. the first thing I
notice after an adjustment (especially when I've needed one for
a while and have been too spaced out to go get one) is that I feel
taller. Like, a foot taller. And I can turn my head. Heh.
get a little spaced out after an adjustment ...sometimes. But we went
out for lunch
and talked and talked. So good.
morning I feel better than I've felt in a while. I haven't been
reading around the blogs as much and today I did. Elaine
has a new design, done by her son
and it is beautiful. It's on Moveable
Type. I downloaded MT once. But I couldn't figure it out. I'm
sure if I slowed down and took my time I could stumble through it.
an article about Mark
and the Jazz kids in Boulder. Took me down memory lane.
I need to work on the big summer writing project.
28 2002 8:39
I wish someone had filmed me yesterday. I think the way I avoided
working on the big summer writing project (bswp) might have
started when I was looking at Elaine's
new design and decided that I wanted to check out blogrolling.
So, I added it to the page and put in all my blogs. Then I had to
tweak the font and the colors. I'm still not sure why I added it.
I thought it was the thing on Empty Bottle that displays recent
thought about adding a tag board.
But, would anyone use it?
I needed to deal with some e-mail and bills and stuff that just
took ... a while.
I'm working on a web page for a friend. Which involved more reading
about CSS and more frustration at not being able to make it work.
had to go shopping and put some stuff in the mail.
was 9:00 before I even started looking at the bswp. I worked for
an hour and suddenly...I was just so tired.
don't really feel the need to avoid it, but I am avoiding it. I
think it's because the writing keeps morphing and not into the thing
I think I'm trying to write about.
I need to work today. But Lynn is coming to stick needles in me.
Which is good. Maybe she knows a accupuncture point for writing.
29 2002 8:56
Lynn did indeed put needles in my head! And it did seem to wake
me up. And I did get some writing done. It's not writing so much
as endless reorganizing, deleting, rewriting.
Kell started a blog!
And I got to use my new blog
roll toy. I need to write on Fatty
Patties. It's been too long. But, lately, it's been all I can
do to write this every morning. And then I feel like I have to use
what ever I have left to work on the bswp. And Pattie
writes there, so it's still happening.
promised myself I wouldn't do anymore metablogging. It's pretty
clear that each person's blog reflects their idea of what blogging
is all about. My enthusiasm for it comes from the variety of voices
and intentions and esthetics out there.
been relaxing in my own blog. Writing about my own little break
down and fat identity. I haven't commented on world events. Or pointed
to any fun new web
... ya know ... the words under God have only been in the pledge
than fifty years. Cheney was
in charge. Didja feel the difference?
I'm working on the bswp now.
30 2002 7:58
I don't know how I got on the web trail that I got onto yesterday....Oh
wait, yes I do. I was looking for a link to Blogger templates and
I went to Wicked
Persephone. She mentioned Born
Squishy which I'd actually already seen once before and had
bookmarked. (Before I went into my little funk) From them I followed
some links and found the Fight
Fat Phobia portal. It was so much fun.
had to stop and work on the BSWP. I did.
I kept thinking about something the born squishy girl (whose name
I think is Hayley) was asking about fat folks who diet and
exercise. It stuck in my head because of some other conversations
I've had lately.
think there's confusion about fat acceptance politics. There is
a spectrum in the community and certainly there are folks who want
to be fat, fatter, fattest. There's the whole feeder thing (which
if you don't know about ... don't ask...I'm just not going to spend
any time trying to understand it). But, for me, it isn't about wanting
to be fat, or choosing to be fat. It's about being fat and not hating
SF the fat community is so into exercise. We have the lovely and
the Sunday swim and in Sacramento, Fatwalk.
There's a whole lotta shakin goin on.
Well. I'm always saying the same thing. Diets
don't work. But close every fast
food joint in the world. Please. Eat
slow food. Eat
good food. Work on your food addictions, if you have them.
I healthy? Well, I'm 49. I had my wild years. I smoked.
I drank. I shoved white
powder up my nose. And I worked jobs (sometimes two at a time) that
were hard on my body. And I've never had health insurance. But I've
always had good friends who did massage, acupuncture, chiropractic,
and knew about herbs.
I'm doin OK.
knees hurt. I wish I had more flexibility and energy. I know
if I move more I feel better. I do the Sunday swim and takes walks.
I could do more. But, it pisses me off when someone makes
it about me being fat. I know thin and average sized folks
who have all these issues.
if I hadn't done fourteen hour work days in a restaurant my knees
wouldn't hurt. Or if I had health insurance and could get new knees.
But I hobble along with new herbs and I'm doing OK and why the fuck
am I talking about this!?!
talking about this because I have to explain that accepting my fat
body does not mean that I don't exercise or eat in a healthy, alive
manner. Health is possible at
any size. And it pisses me off that I feel the need to talk
about how much I move or eat.
exercise. Eat good food. But when I read or hear people say they
know they feel better, or look better, when they're thinner...I
mean it's personal... they can say what ever they want. Obviously. I'm
just not sure it's examined. I just want people to spend sometime,
thinking about fatness ... differently. Especially if they're fat.
I choose to be thin? It's not something I'm willing to think about.
I'm going to experience my body one day at a time.
of great food. I had dinner at Cafe K2.
It was my birthday dinner, complete with picked by hand blackberries.
Red pesto on little toasts and marinated mushrooms to start. I love
red pesto. But I haven't thought about it for a while. It was good!
Beautiful salad. Salmon, veggies and rice. The veggies were
fennel, squash and spring onion and the spring onion made it all
so sweet, in that good onion sweetness kind of way. (Maybe the chef
will stop by and remind me what the fancy word for how he cooked
the salmon was. It was perfect.) So, there were layers and textures
to the food and it was pretty! Little Raddichio cups! Oooooooo.
Then the blackberries and ice cream. And there was wine and cappuccino
and biscotti and lots of chat. Good deep rich chat. Lots of
layers and textures.
I'm a lucky girl. Thank you K2.
weekend. I thought I'd share this.
as it is for me to believe that it's already that time, I feel I
must remind you. Don't forget.