June

June 2

I thought I'd make some changes in the site. Make it easier to read and access the links.

Thursday I went to the Hall of Justice to report for jury duty. Monday I'll find out if I'm in a jury. I actually want to be. Two years ago when I was working and going to school I would have been miserable about it but right now it would be interesting. I actually believe in those notions of the justice system in which my participation is a democratic responsibility. The problem is that we are all so busy trying to keep hearth and home together it's difficult to want to participate. And then there are the obvious and glaring problems with the current state of our justice system.

June 4

OK.. Today I go to court. I'm still not sure if I'm on the case or not but I should know by the end of the day. I'm still having trouble sleeping and I feel a bit beaten by it. I do wake up thinking about needing work and all manner of frantic self analysis ensues. Last night I finally just got up and read for a while. Maybe if I look haggard I won't get picked.

June 5

 Well, I didn't get picked for jury duty. I didn't even get to be questioned by the DA. I sat in the court room for what felt like a month listening to other people be questioned. The DA, when she noticed people had said they had never experienced violence, would give them a look of disbelief. "You've lived in SF for ten years and you've never been a victim?" And the Public Defender kept looking people in the eye and saying "Are we gonna get a fair trail?"  It was obnoxious. By the end of the day I was sitting in the back row making wise cracks. I actually wanted to be on the jury. But just sitting through the jury selection was so annoying. I know the court is a bureaucracy and a system but it is also a bit of a theater. A theater in which lives are changed. So, when the actors suck the play does not seem to go well.

June 6

 I'm going on two weeks of not sleeping well. Some nights are better than others but I wake up at least three times and usually more. And sometimes I just can't go back to sleep. I have a number of things I'm blaming, hormones, worry, that kind of thing. But in the night, laying awake, I am swarmed by those thoughts and feelings that I ignore during the day. I'm starting to fear my bed.

June 7

 I slept a bit better last night. When I don't sleep well I don't get out for my walk or do the other exercise that I have been doing and soon I'm not eating well and there seems to be this dust bunny effect, a gathering up of negative self care reflects. I've always acted out on my body. That use to mean drugs and alcohol. In the past few years the wildest I get is to smoke cigarettes. But I also have to work harder for physical well being. My recovery time is longer. So, then I fell old and get depressed and the dust bunny gathers more dust. Mercury is in retrograde. Nuff said.

June 9

 I didn't make it to the Women In Black  demonstration. I was dressed for it but I got caught up in a board of supes hearing about the day labour program in the mission. There was a few hours of testimony both pro and con. It was compelling. One of the issues is the trash and general mess left by the men who wait for jobs. Fortunately someone pointed out that the city might be held responsible for cleaning  the streets of the Mission in general. And there were issues of traffic safety. And there were accusations of racism toward the foes of the program. And some people made note of the impact of the global economy. It was very interesting and I couldn't break away. It's arm chair activism, I know, but I couldn't get out the door.

I'm thinking of going to the Women In Black  demonstration today. I am usually reticent to attend public events like this. When I was in high school demonstrations were like the prom. I am too easily depressed by the way people are in public and I get sulky. But the structure of this seems hopeful. Just to stand in silence with other women. To stand for peace. It might shake me out of this depressive self absorbed lethargy.

June 11

 I am reading The Death of Vishnu by Manil Suri. The site about the book is actually pretty fun. There is a chapter from the book and a glossary of Indian terms used in the book. The links to him talking about himself lead to links that go to his academic web site. He has a PH D in mathematics. And he seems to have a great sense of humor. On one page there are pictures of food that he has cooked. Very cute. I have mixed feelings about the book. I am enjoying it and stayed up late last night reading. The characters are vivid and there is some interesting class observation but in India spiritual principals and awareness of class or caste inure the presence of the poor. So, the main character, Vishnu, is a poor man who is dying and there is a magical realism approach to the portrayal of his inner world as he dies. This is imbedded in stories of the families that live in the apartments around him. It's interesting.

June 12

 Lynne came yesterday and gave me acupuncture and a bit of a massage. I feel great. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. I managed to get out for my walk this morning. First time in a while. it takes so little to feel better but it does take something. Some effort. It's a new experience for me. Just walking to work was a built in exercise and I don't have that now. I understand why people give up and stop moving. But even a twenty minute walk makes a huge difference in my sense of well being and my experience of my body.

June 13

 My friend Michael has made a web page. I love pages like his. Check out the page with the Disney photos. The whole business of web publishing is interesting. I've been readin old journal pages that I wrote last year. Not web journal but a journal that I was trying to keep. My attempts at journaling are fraught with failure. I start them and then I space out. And I was thinking about what I would and would not publish on line. I think it's great and important that we share our lives. I think it can debunk the whole notion of the star. We spend time looking at photos of famous people and we think they are prettier or smarter or cooler. The web levels the playing field a bit. But when you're publishing you (I) torture yourself with issues of what am I saying, is it interesting, does it have value?

June 14

 I usually hate when people say things like this but this month seems to be screaming by! I'll be in school in two weeks. Today is one of those days when I really don't have anything specific on my mind. So the question arises, why write?  

Yesterday Lucia, Gabe and I went to Pier 39 . We hung out in the arcade and ate lunch. I kinda hate the way these tourist places are organized. This is how Americans have fun, eat and shop. But we had fun.

June 15

 I wasn't going to write about the Mc Viegh execution. I just didn't want to add to the din. The media focuses on these things and creates a carnival. I try to ignore it. There are many men put to death who have no media coverage. And then yesterday I was listening to a death penalty debate on Democracy Now. It's hard for me to imagine that the death of anyone serves to create "completion". And Mc Viegh is now a martyr.      C reated by the confusing world of bad what-it-is-to-be-a-man metaphors, in service to a throw back revolution, leaving behind a poem as a final world, his death was the exclamation point at the end of a sentence full of expletives. Are the families of the victims served by this? Every time I looked at him I saw him as a seven year old boy.

June 16

 On Saturday mornings I listen to NPR.(AKA National Purchased Radio). I gather news from a variety of sources. I think I get more news in the first five minutes of Democracy Now than four hours of CNN. And NPR, well it's news with a soft voice. But on Saturday morning I listen to Scott Simon and  Daniel Schorr break it down. Today Schorr made a quip about Bush referring to Africa as a nation. We have to edit as Bush speaks. And it makes me think that he got the support that he did get because of a fear of a national fear of intelligence. Didn't we all laugh that he quipped that a C student could be president. Yeah, if your brother is in charge of a state where the election gets botched.

Check out this poem by Sonia Sanchez

June 18

 My friend Diane called to tell me that our friend David Benjamin had died and there was a memorial thing happening at a local bar. I can't really handle public gatherings but she went and then came here afterwards. David was the best sommelier I have ever known. I met him at The Stinking Rose. But he was one of those people that I would see walking through North Beach from time to time. He worked at a small restaurant near where I live that I use to go to for dinner from time to time and I ultimately worked there with him. I left that place at about the same time he did, both of us feeling pretty bad about the experience of working there. So, we weren't close but we'd know each other for a few years and I always thought he was the sweetest. And you always imagine you'll see someone again. So, the next glass of Sirrah I drink I'll be toasting this man.

June 20

  I woke up having a dream in which I was cleaning at my parents house and they were criticizing the way I was cleaning and I was screaming that they needed to apologize to me. As I woke up I started thinking about how what ever I did felt like it was not good enough. And I've known that that informs my self esteem but  this morning I realized that it also informs my world view. Like I am too often given to a  not-good-enough sense of how it's going. And that's not all bad but it contributes to a general crankiness.

So, I'm 48 today. It doesn't seem like a big deal.

June 21

  So, after my morning epiphany yesterday morning I relaxed into the day. I got some writing done in the morning. Marilyn took me out to lunch at The Beach Chalet. The food is mediocre but the view is so great. I remembered being in SF when I was twenty. I would make regular trips to the ocean to just stare at it. And Jo Ann made me a lovely dinner and CUPCAKES!! Which I am having for breakfast. The privilege of being a grownup.

June 23

  I rented Angela's Ashes. I was assigned the book for school and after I read it I thought I'd watch the film. I don't compare films and books. It's an apples and oranges comparison. I don't see that many films. What caught my attention was the previews before the film started. There was one in which the president is caught by a snow storm in the Colorado mountains and has to decide wether to use a nuclear weapon against someone who "has the oil." And another in which a soldier is on trail for firing into a crowd of Arab looking people who also have guns. I'm over simplifying the plots but what struck me was the militarism and anti Arab sentiment in these films. Is the movie industry trying to get us fired up for war? Did Tim Mc Viegh watch films like these?

June 25

  I rented C  rouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. I liked it so much I watched it twice. It worries me that I was so enthralled by a life long relationship between a man and a woman that is never consummated. I have that love pure and chaise from afar thing a bit too hard wired. I always like stories in which people's lives become entwined and they fail each other, come through for each other and ultimately find their own best destiny revealed in the process.

Deb and I have strated going to The Meeting House  for after church brunch.

Lately when I watch the Supes I think about fame or more specifically public life. The new board has been described as progressive but many of them seem to play it safe. They seem too aware of  the message they are sending. So, then they don't push. They settle on a compromise position and talk about it as a beginning. They set the bar only slightly higher and then talk about what they've done. it's hard not to believe that they're worried about votes. I want them to push. C ris Daly is, I think, the youngest and most raw politically. Sometimes he drives me crazy for the opposite reason. He is always pushing. But he does seem like someone with a strong sense of principal who is not aware that he may be damaging himself in terms of votes. My supervisor, Aaron Peskin works really hard and does great things but if the boat owners don't want public money to be used to fund kids going to the marina he votes toward the boat owners. I belive he thinks about it all deeply but he does not seem to want to push. And when he does that it's hard to not see him as aware of votes.

June 26

School starts on Saturday. I was assigned a few books to read, one of which is bird by bird  by Anne Lamontt. I've been resistant to reading her for no particular reason. At first I was annoyed at reading a book that talks about writing but she is winning me over, slowly. She's pretty fun. She keeps a one inch frame on her desk to remind her that she only needs to write that much at a time.