July 2

I'm a grad student. What a trip. I feel so lucky. It was an interesting weekend. I was in such a good mood that I loved everybody. There were people who I knew would bug me if I was around them for very long but we're at the beginning and I loved them. It's such a curious thing. There we all are spending all that money to read and write. It's crazy, and dedicated and brave and above all very lucky. The thing that gets me about people is the way they tell their story. It gets me when I'm watching the board of supes or Oprah. And some of these people (like me) want to be published! Which is audacious in that it imagines anyone might want to hear what you have to say and brave in that you take such a risk to say it publicly. So it's a whacky kind of folk that gathers up in those conditions.

July 3

My friend Jane is here. Actually when you follow this link you get to a Century 21 shell page and you have to click on agents and then Jane Keeler. And there she is! She was doing a real estate seminar.

This is a link to a cool article from an old Newsweek but you need to get a archive password to get to the whole article. It's a fat woman talking about her own size acceptance.

 July 4

I saw a t-shirt in a catalog that read Fat by Nature -Proud by Choice. I woke up thinking about it. It's so hard for people to get past the wall of misinformation that the AMA continues to pump out. Yesterday I read about some research in which they tracked the leveling off of insulin in people who did moderate exercise (twenty minutes of walking) a day, five days a week. None of the people in the study lost weight but their insulin levels got more even. But diabetes and fatness are still linked. Fat, in and of it self, has nothing to do with diabetes. And the exercise study demonstrates that much. Don't worry about my health. Worry about a culture that wants me to live in shame.

July 5

I haven't been watching that much TV lately and I sometimes wonder if my brain assembles things into a television show and gives it to me as a dream. Like today I woke up dreaming that I was with people who were recovering addicts and were having a hard time finding housing and I was screaming "I want a church!" And what I meant by that was that we needed a community center that people could use to get on their feet. But there was this feel like ... I was a character in a movie.

July 6

School is cool. I volunteered to be one of the first two people to let everyone read a section of my autobiography. I had given everyone my copies last weekend and last night I got feedback. It was amazing. There were things that people really liked and that was gratifying but the things that people didn't like was more interesting. Because some folks liked some things better than other folks and it was interesting to notice who liked what. It gave me lots to think about and a desire to write. That has to be good.

July 9

 Years ago I broke the bottom of a butter dish. It matches some dishes that I have and I was able to replace it. I saved the top. Every time I'd be cleaning and I'd see that thing I'd think I should throw it out but I wouldn't. Yesterday I broke the top of the butter dish! It's amazing what can make you happy.

July 10

 David Meltzer has a new book out in which I am acknowledged. I didn't know about the acknowledgement until I read the book. I am blown away by it. Even if you're sick of the whole Beat Thing this book is cool. It's a group of interviews and so it's kind of like eaves dropping at Cafe Puccini.   I've been reading other on line journals. I wonder if I need to babble more. I love reading other people's detailed accounts of going to the grocery store but I just can't figure out how to write about it myself. Yesterday our SF board of Supes overturned a veto that the Mayor had done. The issue is the limiting of TIC's and the debate is framed as being between tenants and homeowners. In my mind it's more about setting limits in terms of land use. Supervisor Hall, who I actually have grown to like despite his conservatism, commented on the abundance of rent control legislation in NYC and SF and the lack of affordable housing. Well, yeah, and one is an island and the other is a peninsula. There is only so much space. So, we need civic leadership to control what is done with that space. The supes also voted to make City Lights a landmark. There was a list of great poets read off, none of which were women. sigh In David's book Diane Di Prima is the first interview.

 July 13

 The place I walk to in the morning is an overlook from which I can see the bay. It's always different. Some mornings it's shiny and clear or if there is fog it's always concealing and revealing different things. Today there was so much fog that I couldn't see a thing. It suits my mood. I'm just teary and dreary.

July 17

  Every once in a while my mother will tell me another piece of my childhood mythology. There are themes, some of which I bought and some of which I rebelled against. recently she has mentioned that when I was young people commented on what a beautiful little girl I was and that they couldn't imagine that my father wouldn't want to be with me. If he could see me, surely he would want to be with me. And being seen, or perceived has always been a big deal for me. But nothing that I ever was or am would have changed the fact that my father made all his decisions based on what he wanted. None of his decisions had anything to do with anyone else. he was married six times. He just never made any emotional connections. yet, I do believe he loves me. It's a paradox and it does have play in how I am in the world. But deconstructing my own mythology is the big project. And I actually believe that being seen is rare and precious and that's a good thing. Conversely, I often believe that it's impossible. And that's when I get cranky.

July 18

  Jo Ann told me about something Julia Kristeva said when asked what are the important things to do with a life. She said, to think, to heal and to write. Uh huh. I'm anxious for my own copy of the article in which she is quoted. She also talks about the need that we have to tell our story. In my better moods I love reading any kind of individual story. When I'm cranky I can't even hear my own.

July 21

  I saw two documentaries last night. One on Vic Chesnutt and the other on Leonard Cohen. The first opened with Vic drawing on the wall while he is the tub and the other ends with Leonard writing on the wall while he is in the tub. I thought it was a wonderful thing that someone made that connection and showed the two things together. But it is an amazing thing. Movies of men, poets, in their bathtubs. Whitman would have done it.

July 23

  I always kept these journals. I bought black, leather bound, drawing books and wrote in them. I filled the back with photos and cards and ticket stubs. So, today I wrote in the one I have now. I started this one in 1990. There are huge gaps of time when I didn't write. I started keeping a journal in my computer so I have print outs of those attempts. it's crazy. I kinda want them all in one place but that seems impossible. And I feel like writing will bring out different things than the web journal does. So, I wrote a paragraph and now I'm doing this. It's kooky.But it is interesting to read old entries. Willa has old photos on her page today. I've been putting old photos into my autobiography. We keep track of ourselves.

July 24

  Last week some activists jumped the railing at the Board of Supervisors to protest the budget. This week they promised to be back. When I turned on the supes meeting yesterday I was shocked to see a flank of security guards. As the meeting went on it became obvious that people were there to protest the budget and call the supes to task for not being radical enough. They interrupted public comment on another issue and things got really crazy. Ammiano let them speak but was clearly pissed. I've been highly critical of the police in Genoa and the increasing police presence at demonstrations. But I was annoyed by these protesters. I agree that the supes need to push harder but I think they are more progressive and do get some things done. And I just felt like the protesters were rude. But I had to really think about those judgements. What is clear is that people are tired of being ignored.

July 27

  I went to city hall yesterday. The civil rights commission was trying to come up with enforcement standards around the height/weight legislation. Sadly, I had to leave right as it all got started. But it was an interesting experience. I'm always amazed to see how people use public institutions for their own concerns. Of course, in a democracy that should be a standard practice but I have never trusted institutions. Just being there, in all that white marble, was interesting. I felt this at the hall of Justice. The mystification that big halls engender is pretty extreme. And in these halls are all these different kinds of folks trying to advocate for their individual concerns. It can be pretty moving.

July 28

  I've had a lot of dreams about babies lately. Maybe it's coz of my decreasing supply of aging eggs. Maybe it's not that literal. And I have never been any good at writing down my dreams. Sometimes if I have a particularly vivid one and I keep thinking about it I can write it down. This morning I lay there for a while and thought about the various images that I could remember. There was a baby and he was having trouble breathing, maybe because he had fallen and hit his neck, and I was trying to see what was wrong, and space people were coming to get him and they were mad because he was broken. Sheesh!

July 30

  It's raining today, the kind of rain that is so faint that it takes you a minute to tell if it is rain. So I didn't go for my walk. I have a lot to do today. Typically, I have neglected one piece of paper work and am not officially registered at school. I have to go there and handle that. I have laundry. It's funny, I guess it's not that much but it feels like a lot. Rich is coming to fix my bathroom ceiling. I'm bailing out of the apartment while that happens. Oh, yeah, and I need to write. Interesting how that slips my mind.

July 31

  The last day of the month. Where do they go?

I keep asking people to sign the dream book and getting letters about how people don't feel like they know what to write. It does give one pause when you realize that other people might read something that you wrote. I'm getting more cavalier since there are only a few people that ever read what I write here. But here is a poem I wrote after listening to people read Jack Kerouak in Washington Square Park.