January

There are years when nothing happens and years in which centuries happen. - Carlos Fuentes

I'm not much into New Years resolutions. It seems like I make resolutions all year. For example, I keep trying to write in the off line journal. I have a thought that handwriting is different from typing and it's important to do it. But, my hand writing is so bad. And I need to get back on the exercise thing. I was all wound up about cleaning the apartment before Christmas and it's in pretty good shape. I hadn't been able to open the windows because of a few days of rain. Yesterday I had them all open. So, I guess I am resolved.

Marilyn took me shopping and then I made us some pasta. We drank some champagne and pulled cards for the year. I got the two of cups. Yippee! Rick & Renee came over for a bit. We looked at the Pickpocket Ensemble site. Marilyn said that my groovy link font isn't showing up on her computer. Arg. I have much to learn.

I stayed up till midnight watching TV. It was noisy in my neighborhood. I'm close to the pier so there were lots of folks wandering around to see the fireworks.

"May your 2002 be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't to forget make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in 2002, you surprise yourself." - Neil Gaiman

I spent hugely frustrating morning, yesterday, trying to add a smart button (picture me cringing at the term) to my site. It all started when Marilyn told me that she couldn't see my font on her computer. I read all kinds of stuff on the site for my WYSIWYG software (Namo) and it suggested that fonts might show up if they're on a banner or button. Something about the smart button converting the font into an image. Ahha. So, if you look in the left corner you may see a blank space. That's where the smart button would be if it was smart enough to be there, or if I was smart enough to get it show up! Man this kind of thing just works my nerves. It's the problem with being self taught and having a barge ahead approach.

I made myself a sandwich with chicken, artichoke, sun dried tomato sausage on pane campagna with watercress, (my version of a hot dog) and did more web rambling to comfort myself. Click on the above image to see what I found. For every goofy blah blah journal I find - I find one of these. Reconstructed mind. How could I not read that?! The above is only a corner; you need to check out the site to see it all. Do read the travelogue. Spent hours following her links.

One click too many and I got hung up in a long, annoying download of a Bonzi buddy - (don't ask, suffice it to say that I now have an odd little purple gorilla on my desk top who talks)- and something about the download made the browser crash if I tried to jump from the links. I gave up, made a latte and was going to start reading...and then...the download was finished and I had to deal with ...my new buddy.

I published a paper that I wrote last semester. I've been shy about doing this. I don't know why. I mean ... publishing .... that's the point. Right?

Renee surprised me by coming over to do more college apps. We stayed up till 1:00, she applying, me reading. This morning, I was rudely awakened by a telemarketer for MCI. I try to be polite, because I figure no one says, " Gee, I'd like to be a telemarketer when I grow up!" But SHE WOKE ME UP!! Grrrrrrrr.

There is so much talent on the web. The beans are another site link to another amazing journal-writing photo-taking web grrrrl. I wrote to ask her permission to use the photo ( because I thought it was sooooo cool) and she wrote back and was warm and friendly and said nice things about my site. (picture me in a deep blush) So, my tip-toeing into the fray of on line community has been not so scary. A perfect stranger saw my site and didn't threaten to send the content police. I don't think I'm in the Open Pages ring yet. I may not have done everything I need to do. And I got e-mail from bobbi @ Reconstructed Mind OK-ing the use of her art, yesterday. Also sweet. No scary monsters, yet. I added aortal and ageless.

Aortal comes from The Internet Brothers. I been frightened when reading the "rules" for different rings but these guys were so welcoming.

I just think the artistry of these sites is amazing. I struggle with my WYSIWYG software to eek out the page. The more I do it the more I think I should learn HTML. And then there's CSS! I keep seeing new things, like people are adding colors to their scroll bars. How do they do that? I'm sure once school starts I'll be reabsorbed into busy ness. Time drifts while I jump from link to link. Yesterday I snapped out of the click stupor to make lunch and thought ...what was I doing before I started to redesign my site....OH yeah, I was writing a book. sigh. I will work on that ... tomorrow.

The Namo guy sent me e-mail today so (perhaps) the hole in the left hand corner will be filled with a lovely button by the time anyone reads this. It seemed that a subdirectory folder was created for my images. Who knew? And I still don't know if that solved the problem of the font.

It occurred to me that I do need to make a resolution: DRINK MORE WATER. It's another thing I resolve to do about fifty times a year.

It happened again. Three hours of web reading. Link to link to link. Just one more. It's soooooooo amazing. It's clear that many of the sites are done by professionals. They have a glossy, perfect thing going. And lots of sites are done with templates( or seem to be). Some are artier. Some of my favorites are the ones that seem average. But the word is a little worrisome. Because it does not mean lesser, but the sites where a mother is talking about raising her kids, or someone puts up their Walgreen's shopping list, or just babbles about their day really make me smile. When I got a computer I had no idea how to find these things. And my little purple gorilla is an example of why. He came with a start page, when I sign on I now begin with his version of the best of the web. It's all about shopping. Even when I search for something I get buy stuff sites first. So, when I first got on line, I remember staring at the screen, thinking ...where is all the cool stuff. Then Jeane sent me an article about her friend Micki's friend, Willa and her on line journal. I used her blog as a jump off point. But, by then I was in school and running a new business and had no time. Connecting to aortal and ageless was the beginning of my current mania. Some of the sites give me waves of insecurity.

Finally got it together to go see Barbara. Phew. My back is so much better, thank you very much! Had lunch with Renee, came home and surrendered to the overwhelming urge to nap. This happens to me sometimes after an adjustment. Especially when I wait too long and allow my back to redefine the most extreme definition of misaligned.

And then I just had to go on line ...one more time...and I was reading a page, at the bottom of which was a thing about only pussies using HTML editors. When you click on the word pussies a sound file downloads that says, people who use HTML editors are pussies over and over. Ouch.

I shut everything down. Did the dishes. Grabbed Bitch, which I had just received in the mail, and went to bed to read. I was feeling kinda not good enough. But, then, of course I got cranky. I take issue with the use of the word pussy as a pejorative. I think the sound file down load is a bit mean spirited. And I had to remind myself that when I first claimed the domain name I had no idea what I was gonna do with it. Then I experimented with the journal and got hooked. But it was about writing. Writing in a public space. The design part was fun but I just wanted to get it out there!

Of course the public space thing is ...true and not true. If no one knows you're on the web, no one reads you. I've been shy about it. I have a few friends that read me and write to tell me when they like something or what they think about something that I write but now I'm trying to take the risk to be ... out there, a little more.

I admire everyone who knows HTML and I've always felt like I need to work on it, especially when I can't make things work the way I want them to (notice the still gaping hole in the top left) but ...mostly...I want to write.

Still fuming. I guess if I knew HTML and was writing my page in code ...I'd be arrogant. I just hope I wouldn't be mean. I am clearly obsessing. And I'm clearly cranky and yes, hormones are involved. I will have to take up the challenge though. There are a number of HTML tutorials on line. I went to bed last night clutching an old Web Pages for Dummies book. Dummies books are so annoying, my mood did not improve. I'm going to begin a HTML project. And then when school starts and I'm buried in reading and writing...I'll ignore it. hehheh.

I have a if-you're-going-to-do-something-do-it-right thing. I guess I do think the folks that write HTML are cooler. sigh. But I really have to keep remembering that my purpose to write. It's loopy. What's the right way? I'm getting it done. That must count for something.

In all this surfing I've noticed how body obsessed people are. The diet industry is making hay in the resolution frenzy. It's all over the television. Diet products that REALLY work. Uhhuh. The crazy notions of beauty and our inability to measure up. It all makes me cranky. ( gee...so many, many reasons to be cranky)

I made pretty great potato soup with some Yukon golds. They're such good potatoes! All I did was boil them, saute some shallots and celery, blend it all together with chicken stock. I didn't even use salt, just a little pepper. Suzanne came over and we had the soup and a salad with mandarin oranges and asparagus. Yum.

I went to bed early-ish but couldn't sleep so I got up and read more Mandela. I'm almost done. He is really one of those people that can make three decades of prison sound like a self improvement seminar. Which is not to say that he doesn't tell the truth about the dehumanizing qualities but he talks about "the struggle", the process of chipping away at repression, even in prison. He talks about character and revolution, inside and outside. I was dismayed when he came out in support of the war. This week he made a statement that he didn't mean to say he wasn't in solidarity with the people of Afghanistan. He never has been a Pacifist, thought he clearly is someone who prefers to use reason and dialogue to elicit social change. The book is full of his contemplations about things. He wishes he could have been a better son, father, husband, and had a work-a-day life. But he is unflinching about "the struggle."

Another rude awakening. I decided to work on the site with my laptop and it turns out that the groovey font didn't show up on my laptop. It only shows up on my desk top because I have it ... I guess. And there were other problems that I saw on the lap top. I got e-mail from Namo about how to try and make the button work but I'm tired of seeing the big hole ... so I redid the links. I'll work with the new info later.

I watched GI JANE last night. (Yes, I was that tired.) While I was watching it I thought about the people-who-use-web-editors-are-pussies thing. (Yes I am that obsessive.) The movie is ...kinda...interesting. It talks about notion of gender in a few ways. For example, there is a scene in which the idea that men coming back in body bags is one thing but women ( read: mothers, sisters, daughters) is another. Those definitions are descriptions of relationships. Not all women are mothers or sisters. As for daughters...the movie asks, aren't sons as valuable? I'm paraphrasing. And the movie mentions that it wasn't that long ago when blacks were relegated to service jobs in the military. But the main theme is ...will a woman be able to hang tough? Now, obviously, women can hang tough. I was in the restaurant business when there weren't that many women. And that was what I always had to prove. I had to prove that I would hang tough. I would work ridiculously long hours of physically demanding work, ignore pain, hunger, illness, and if I needed a break ... I'd smoke or drink. And I did. And in rock and roll there was a certain amount of being willing to tolerate sexism. I was lucky to work with some great guys but there were times when I suppose to accept jokes, or attitudes about women. And I did. I guess there will be women that prove themselves in the world of men on their terms. But the whole cruel, dominator thing is so (as Suzanne says) retro. Ironically, the person who used pussy as a pejorative was a women. And some of the nicest, most welcoming people I've read lately have been men. Gender stuff is so complex and the movie is the same basic plot line as Top Gun with scenes of Demi working out, reminiscent of Flash Dance. It's not exactly a great film. But it was interesting and did spark all this thought. I realize that I've been totally reacting to this old stuff. I need to TAKE A BREATH.

And swimming with the fat chicks is extra fun. We went to lunch at a Greek restaurant and the Marilyn and I went to Tower, where I committed yet another in a long line of fiscally irresponsible crimes. I knew Ricki Lee Jones had a new disc out, it turned out she had two. So, I bought them both...AND I got Stay Human and Blue Horse. AND Cornell West's, Sketches of my Culture. So bad. But it made me so happy. I came home and ripped em.

International Answer has a site with details on their anti-war demonstration plans. I was listening to Cornell West on CSPAN yesterday morning before we went swimming. He talked about making a distinction between the institutions, like racism, the military, war and the individuals, like the soldiers. I hear lots of war like language in the peace movement. I heard one guy talking about the movement becoming militant. Odd word choice. There is a feeling of urgency in the movement. Understandably. I don't support the war. But, I'm trying to find a way to contain the opinions of people who do. Which is to say that I want to be able to listen, present my argument and allow for possibility. Which of course I means I need to be able to articulate my opinion. Bush made a statement about this year being a war year. Of, course his disability with language will no doubt be legendary. I am not willing to have a war year, ever. And I want to be conscious of language.

Democracy Now is back on the Pacifica airwaves. Hallelujah! Oddly, not live on WBAI. Antics!

I've noticed on some aortal sites there is a link for the day, so I'm going to try to do that. I like to include the links in my entry but I'm going to try both. This link comes from one of the aortal guys, Jeffrey Clark. It's the site for Andrija Ilic, a photographer from Belgrade, Serbia.

Last night on The Practice a handsome man told a fat woman that he was attracted to her. What a revolution. Of course there were problems. He's married, a DA, involved in a case on which she was working. But the beautiful Camryn

got to deliver a rockin speech about fat women. Hallelujah again.

"There are multibillion dollar industries invested in our hating our bodies, our faces, our wrinkles-this self-hatred is enormously profitable." -Camryn Manheim

I had a sort of dyslexic day. Went shopping first and defrosted the refrigerator, while the groceries sat in a cooler bag. I resent having to defrost the refrigerator. I mean, it's the millennium. It always takes so long. I bought all kinds of good food but I ate Ben & Jerry's and pretzels. I blame the defrosting.

The board is back from the holiday. And they all seem cranky and contentious. There were a few interpersonal skirmishes. People were interrupting each other. And Gavin Newsom wants to fingerprint the homeless. He's whacked. He did outline a somewhat comprehensive plan for services but it includes a centralized admission point into city services where folks would be fingerprinted. It seems an inevitable sense of criminalization would ensue. If you're a family, down on your luck and your first step into the system is fingerprinting...imagine how that would feel. I mean why don't we just sew patches on their coats that read failure. He wants to outlaw panhandling. It's the Giuliani school of cleaning up the problem rather than handling it. Out of sight/ out of mind. There is a ramp up of support in our not-really-a-news-paper. They quote a preponderance of folks who resent the homeless. Ironically, there were also taxi cab drivers at the board meeting for a different reason. They were there to say that because things are so bad, in terms of tourism, they aren't making enough money to pay their rent and may end up homeless. I mean, the economy is terrible and he picks this time to launch an attack, and yes, I feel like it is an attack, on the people who are least able to sustain themselves. It's mean spirited and political. He wants to be the mayor.

The link for today comes from dollars short. It's the Tin Tin site! I guess it's a commercial site but it's just so cool!

Rick brought me a disc of Amalia Rodrigues and one of Julio Jaramillo music. I'm loaded with tunes! I must be so cute! I mean picture me dancing around my living room with Michael Franti jammin.

I got two great e-mails yesterday, feeding back from the site. Made me feel better about the whole not-the-best-designer-ever thing. But I still need to work on my button issue.

I went to bed early to read The Way Forward Is with a Broken Heart . At first I wasn't liking the book but then I noticed I was completely hooked on the story. But, I just get thrown off when people who are clearly writing about their lives call it fiction.

OMIGOD. I'm so amazed. I figured it out. I figured out how to use the font. Marilyn said something about turning a font into an image in Adobe and that got me thinking. So, I went into Paint, matched the color of my background, took that into Adobe, put on the font and TADA! Of course the background isn't matching exactly ...and now that I've done it, I don't love the font any more. It took on this rough quality somewhere in the transition. But, it works..sorta. Of course now...my mind is reeling with ideas and the idea of downloading more cool fonts is way more appealing.

I've been hyper about waking up early. I mean I never sleep past 8:30 but that seems so late. I prefer waking up around 7:00. I was tired all last week. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning and I took naps. This week I seem to have my energy back but this morning I woke up at 6:30. That's too early. So, I drifted in and out, following dream threads until almost 8. I don't know why this is so important to me.

My desk top buddy hasn't been bugging me. Once or twice a day he tells me a joke or something. But he decided to tell me there was a free upgrade available and took the bait. Now he alerts me to news updates. They come from MSNBC so it's not the best news source, but I thought it might be cool. In the middle of the day yesterday, he tells me something about the Justice Department rounding up men of Middle Eastern decent. Where, I wonder are they going to put them? I know people are scared and angry and hurt but this is just not OK. This morning I read this. What was that thing about nothing to fear except fear itself?

I do understand that the wound is still open. These are from Here is New York, a photo exhibit subtitled A Democracy of Photographs because anyone can put up a photo. They are trying to raise money for children. It's a pretty amazing site. I'm not sure that we, who don't live in New York, can imagine what it's been like there.

I haven't seen the mouse for awhile. I'm thinking it just went away. Right? But, reading this I was reminded.

My silverware drawer is in chaos. Part of the problem is I grind coffee right above it, and then I toss the brush that I use to clean out the grinder back into the drawer. So, I have to rinse off things before I can use them, each time I do I think ... I need to take everything out and clean the whole drawer. I'm determined to do it that day. But then I drink my coffee, or eat what ever I was gonna eat that required going into the drawer, and I just forget. I try to put clean silverware back in such a manner so as to avoid the coffee grounds. Nothing is in a slot. things are piled up to one side. And me, I'm writing about it instead of cleaning it up.

That's pretty much how my day went. At one point I had laundry in the washer and the dryer, (and yes if you've been paying attention I did say I was going to the laundry the other day...but I didn't) I was working on a piece of writing, or at least I had a piece of writing on the task bar, I was reading web journals, the Rules committee was on the television and I was talking to Kristina on the phone. Even I can't do that many things at one time. Kristina said I was multi tasking. Heh. I'm excited about her entrance into the fray of on line journaling. We were talking about the notion of writing in a public space. It does have an impact on the writing. But doing a web journal is like putting the page on a tree in the middle of a forest. Someone might find it, and read it. Maybe. It's not that I want tons of readers, and I do feel a bit shy. It is a little nerve racking in the days after I sign on with a new web ring. I wonder who might stop by and ...if they'll like me. gulp.

I still don't know if I'm really in Open Pages and I don't seem to be in Ageless. But I get such a little thrill when I see Fatshadow on the Internet Brothers link page.

I finally gave up on pretending to be doing anything. I actually turned off the computer and watched The West Wing. I flipped to the American Music Awards during the commercials. I'm kind of off the loop in terms of popular music. Which isn't a bad thing.

Slept good, got up early and had to go down the three flights of stairs to get the laundry in the cold, wet morning. No one to blame but myself. I guess I should look at what I did do. I did change the sheets on the bed, do four loads of laundry, write a little bit, did some dishes. But, the silverware drawer is still dusty with coffee grounds.

Kristina and I went to Luna Park for lunch and then Modern Times, my favorite book store, and then stopped at Rainbow. It was great hanging out with her, great conversation. I came home tired but in a good mood.

I turned on the city station and the computer, being the screen freak that I am. There was a hearing hosted by the Supes and the Human Rights Commission in which local Arab and Muslim community members were giving testimony about their lives in post 9/11 San Francisco. It took me a awhile to realize what it was because I was in a great mood and I was looking at e-mail and the web. I knew it was a hearing of some sort, but it just seemed like there were many city officials saying that they were committed to human rights, and I was only half listening. But it just kept going on and on and eventually I began paying attention. There were so many people with such sad stories. I think of myself as a cynical enough to not be surprised by bad behavior, and I was just writing about the round up of Arab American men, but for some reason I was overwhelmed by all this testimony. Children harassed at school, young men beaten up, young women having their scarves pulled from their heads and death threats for all. There was testimony from a variety of coalition groups but it's always the people that get me. An Iranian woman, talking about her children, I kept thinking how hard it must be for her to speak in public. There must be so much fear. I spent a long time this morning trying to find a news clip about it but to no avail.

I don't know why I started doing the time stamp. I don't know why I'm into this early thing. But today I woke up slow, was easily distracted and am not publishing till almost noon! Sheesh!

It may turn out that I'm a better reader than a writer. I spent more hours reading journals. This time I got on a very writerly trail, beginning with Hanne Blank and following her links. I have her book Zaftig, which I read...often. I'd been on her site before, but I don't remember a journal.

I don't even know when, but at a certain point I came across the diary critic. Oh dear. I really have to avoid things that kick up my competitive streak. I just start bangin on myself. The notgoodenough chant begins. I will say that I am beginning to form preferences in terms of page design, but I just love the voices that come through. I sometimes notice really horrible gaffs in spelling or grammar, but I have to deal with this at school. I don't wanna worry about it here! I will not be asking her for a review.

I got such a late start on the day, and then were the hours of journal jumping. Finally, I took a shower. I've gotten into using bath gels instead of soap. And I love the EO stuff. And, being the aging hippie chick that I am I use the Kiss My Face, Peaceful Patchouli.

I had some smoked trout that I knew was just a bit past the purchase date. I'm not worried about it being bad, because it was smoked, smelled fine, and tasted great and I need to eat more protein. I piled it in to a bowl with left over green beans from yesterdays lunch and the last of the baby greens from the K2 grocery give away of 1/1. Kobi shops at Berkeley Bowl . If all their produce lasts this long then I'm impressed. I remember this thing about eating everything in one bowl. I don't know if it was a diet or a Zen practice but it works for me.

I get this urge to smoke thing and it hasn't worked to buy a pack because I smoke them in a day or two. But I've been thinking that Shermans might work. They're somewhere between a cigar and cigarette, too strong to chain smoke. Or at least they are for me. So, today I've had two. If I can keep it occasional I'll keep them around.

I am a Dark Angel fan. It seems like a confession since I can think of so many reasons not to be, but I am. I like the idea of someone, designed to be a cog in the machine, revolting, resisting. But last nights episode began with a scene, in which a fat boy sits, surrounded by televisions, seemingly watching them all at once. I braced. How would James Cameron represent fatness. The fat boy is an X5 who can process massive amounts of data and predict probabilities. But part of his design is to be invisible, forgettable. And how would you structure someone�s DNA to guarantee that they�ll be invisible? You make them fat. People look away.

There are certain things I watch for in fat representation. Is there a slapstick, physical humor scene? The fat boy sprains his ankle and apparently doesn�t have the quick recovery gene; Max has to carry him. Is there a false assumption about fatness in the characterization? Fat boy eats candy, lots of candy. At one point he hurls the candy to the ground, steps on it and goes to rescue his girl. The underlying communication being that even if you are genetically designed to be fat by experts in genetic construction, if you give up that candy bar, you'll be a hero.

Of course the fat boy is in love with Max and of course that�s a relationship that is never gonna happen. All he wants is for her to see him. And, of course, because Max is so good, she does. He asks her, how do I look and she replies, � Magnificent.� So we can still love Max, but we have to accept that if you�re fat the only thing you can give someone you truly love is to just go away.

I did some writing in the morning and, for no good reason, thought I'd stop and play with my Sims. sigh. It's hard to play with them for a short period. I don't know how anyone does that! I get something in my head about a thing that can happen and I'll keep playing until I can make it happen. So, there went the day. But, I did get some writing done early.

One night, a few years ago, I decided to buy a juicer from Jay the Juice man. I think it was the eyebrows. I love making beet, carrot, apple, parsley, celery juice. It's his recipe. I'm not sure what it's good for, Lynn says liver and gall bladder. Really, how can it be bad? During one of my shopping trips I got all the stuff I needed, and today I made the juice. Yum! It is so good. I also remembered my teaspoon of flax seed oil, because I do try to do everything my chiropractor tells me to do. I'm not drinking enough water though. But, I made this great dinner. Pork loin, cous cous with butternut squash and currents, and asparagus. I had a glass of the Coppola claret that Kristina was so kind to give me.

The guy on NPR just said you have to be careful when it comes to Machiavelli. Gee, do ya think? That shocked me out my morning reverie and I paid attention long enough to find out he wrote a book on why leader ship demands a warroir ethic. Hmmm.

Sadly, I haven't been loving The Way Forward... . So much so that I may give up on it. I'm close to the end, but I find that I'm having trouble concentrating. It's like she's trying to explain herself to her first husband, her daughter, the reader, and rather than say ... I felt this, or I saw that, she's writing stories. But, it's hard not to wonder with each story ...how much of this is real? I'm not sure anything that anyone writes is ever real. We're all writing through our biases and perceptions. And I'm sure fiction writers rob their lives for details. In one story she talks about an aunt saying "don't write about this". So, is she involving us in the crime of doing exactly what someone asked her not to do ...or is that a fiction? Does it matter? I don't know, but I'm finding it difficult to read. It's almost like she's saying, "everything I say is a lie." Uh...was that a lie? In one story she's, I mean the character's, making lamb chops and mentions that this was before she was a vegetarian. Do we need to know that? Between wondering if the things she's writing are true stories and parsing her self portrait, I'm finding myself annoyed.

At the same time I find that the book makes me think about relationships and the value of hurt. Hurt does make things clear, in a way. It pulls me back into myself and causes me to consider things deeply. In the book Walker considers race in relationships. The most interesting was a story that considered when little black girls and little while girls are friends as children. She writes about playing with a white girl in a home where her mother was the maid. At a certain age the girls father breaks off the relationship. This is a southern story though I'm sure it happens everywhere. And it was full of things to think about, relative to hurt and it's impact on relationship. But since the whole book is positioned as a fiction based on truth I found myself wondering about the details. I felt mistrust, and maybe that was the point, but it's lost on me.

The Internet is just filled with people on diets. As much as I want to send them all data on why diets don't work, I don't. Everybody gets to deal with their body in the way that makes them happy. But, there are charts and graphs and rules and rules broken and they all seem to be documenting their inability to diet. I mean the tone of the entries is that of recalcitrant children who aren't obedient to rules that are self imposed. It's a schizoid mentality. I'm trying to do healthy things everyday. The swimming is great. I've been doing my joint rotations and Cardio Glide. I'm drinking my water and my juice. But, I'm not trying to feel bad about what I don't do.

I started reading Slaughterhouse-Five. It's another book for the Ethical Issues for Writer's class. It begins;

Uhhuh. I see a theme evolving. The Alice Walker book wasn't assigned for the class, but it fits right in to the project. I read Slaughterhouse-Five years ago but I barely remember and it's making me laugh. So, now I'm wondering why I reacted the way I did to the Walker. Vonnegut is writing in a manner that comments on the chaotic quality of reality, right from the start. Perhaps it was the tone of sincerity in the Walker that was undermined by the fictionalization, for me. We will also be reading The Things They Carried. Which I read a few weeks ago. Same thing. Book called fiction, clearly based on a real life. Tim O' Brian talks about it all through the book, what is true, what is not. And it seemed to serve the writing. Much to think about.

This just cracks me up. It's another of Heather Champ's things. So cool! I signed up to be notified.

One of the supervisor committees ( I can never keep the committee names straight) had a hearing yesterday about HMO's that are pulling out of certain California communities and Medicare, putting many seniors at risk. There was testimony about an elderly woman who had to choose between her meds or her rent. She was on the verge of being evicted. There was amazing testimony from a Doctor/researcher who said that in the last decade sales of pharmaceuticals have tripled. Part of that is because the population is living longer and seniors take more meds. Part of it is, people are asking for meds that they see commercials for and don't know that there are cheaper, generic drugs that do the same thing. The docs don't tell them because they get something from the drug companies to push the name brands. For seniors on low incomes this is just cruel, but it impacts all of us. My mom and stepfather, both in their late seventies, take almost no prescription drugs. My stepfather takes some blood pressure stuff. Mom takes nothing, and she is and always has been fat. They both take vitamins and herbs. Mom swims and Ken has exercise that he does. They eat lots of veggies. The hearing was fascinating, but the only thing I wish they'd spoken about was the fact that alternative medicines can keep people off meds and away from doctors. Then the HMO's can do what ever they want because we wont need them.

As if in answer to my no diets rant yesterday, Francis Berg posted notice of Healthy Weight Week! Yippee! So, next week I'll post size positive sites in the link of the day alllll week! Won't that be fun? Francis has a top ten reasons not to diet hand out and lots of well articulated, reasonable body positive things in her site. Yippee again.

As a result of all the Internet art I've been enjoying, I decided to try and draw more. I pulled out my box of charcoals and my sketch pencil and my kneedable eraser and I spent a bliss full half hour drawing some apples and a mandarin orange. I got so excited that Marilyn and I went to Pearl and I bought a handful of new pastels. I love that you can buy them one at a time. And I've been carrying my camera around trying to find a reflective surface. I've just never been good at remembering my camera. But I love all the photography projects I see on line.

I've done five sketches of the same fruit. Well, almost the same. I ate the orange. And last night I ate the apple. I did some in pencil and then I use the charcoal. I like the charcoal better because I use my fingers to blend. It seems like I get more depth. I leave the book open on the table and it makes me happy to walk past it and see those drawings. I really need to keep doing this. It just makes me happy.

I did quite a bit of work on the memoir as well. As usual, I had a mini breakdown in the middle of the work and had to go to sleep for twenty minutes. But, I rebounded and did some more.

Spent some time on line, some time reading and watched The West Wing. Pretty nice day. Now if I got paid for it... that would be good.

I read this horrifying article. And this. I found it ironic because Oprah did a show on how older and younger feminists feel about one another. It was actually a pretty interesting discussion, but limited. It has been said that the feminist movement in this country is centered in the white, educated community. This discussion certainly reflected that idea, even with the section on Alice Walker's daughter. I mean, the minute the discussion focused on what a young woman was wearing in a business meeting, things had gone loopy.

I won't be able to do a link a day when school starts. I spend too much time looking for them. But, this one today comes from Mena who got it from David. It's so much fun! And see, this is how it goes.... I read one person and their links and that jumps to someone else and their links and hours go by. Mena also linked to this, which is pretty cool.

"I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well. " -Diane Ackerman

So. Oprah did a show called... how it feels to be fat. I felt like I needed to watch it, but I was worried. So worried that I didn't remember and missed the first ten minutes. As it turned out it wasn't terrible. Not good, but not terrible. The basic idea, I think was to discuss how horrible it is to live in a fat body, and how hard it is on you friends and family. And there was plenty of that. But there were some great fat women who saved the day. A great moment was when a really fat woman said, "I love my body." Oprah said, really?!" And with out hesitation she said, "yes." She she had a great boyfriend, work that she loved, friends. She said she might wish she were thin but that it was important for her to accept herself now. She was great! And even Oprah Seemed to acknowledge that she was in a good place. There was one woman who is considering the evil surgery. Oprah's main thing seemed to be to track where the fat thing began, like what was the psychological issue. And at least two of these women had been molested. Every time Oprah would say, " where did it begin, where did it begin. " I would want to scream..."When her DNA formed!" Sometimes I think people in the fat community don't want to talk about the pain. I mean we live it. And we're trying to focus on self acceptance and body love. The truth is there is a lot of pain. On the show there was a friend who said she was disgusted with her fat friend. She loved her but... And Oprah gave her a tiny amount of shit for it. But there was no solid expression of the notion that she ought to have friends who accepted and loved her body and were willing to advocate for her if she, for example, needed a chair in a restaurant with no arms. There were some wonderful, strong women and so the show wasn't terrible. But, it's just so clear how much work there is to be done. And I'm not sure how to do that work. When a fat women says she's rather be fat, for me, it's like a black woman saying she'd rather be lighter. I exercise. I eat fruits and vegetables. I've always been fat. I've been fatter and thinner, but always fat. Food and exercise only have so much to do with it. Watching Oprah's weight go up and down it's obvious that she's a fat person. I think she looks great and I think working out is great. But, I think I look great. And the fat women on the show looked great. Life is diversity! Beauty is diversity!

I started reading Girl With A Pearl Earring.

There is a pretty great web site for it, on which you can read the first chapter and see the paintings from the book. I'm only a chapter into it and I'm liking it. It's very sweet.

I had the worst night of sleep ever. I think I woke up about twenty seven times. I blame hormones.

I had lunch with Barbara yesterday at Sushi Chardonnay. It's a great thing to find a health care professional that you trust: it's a blessed thing to find a health care professional who you miss so much when you aren't seeing them that you want to have lunch with them! I was dismayed to learn that Barbara has to watch out for certain wild drivers ( who shall remain nameless, but you know who you are) in Bernal Heights. Modern life keeps us so busy, it is hard to find time to just talk, so I felt lucky to have this time with her.

I guess I'm not that busy these days. I feel busy. But it's all about books I need to read and things I need to write. It's different from the years at NCOC when I ran my little business, went to class, read on the bus, wrote papers at 11:00 at night. I've always worked so hard. this has been an odd year. I always feel like I'm not doing enough, or that I'm getting away with something, and in a way I am. Because I'm financed by a building debt load. But, every time I acknowledge that the writing is work, I feel like I'm working a lot. And that I'm doing MY work. Which is a good feeling.

Then I went to get glasses. I might have been able to put this off for another few years; my eyes aren't that bad. But they get tired. So I went to Lenscrafters. The people were really nice. But they dialated my eyes. I had inteded to sit there and read while they made my glasses, but it was like reading under water. My eyes felt tired and everything was blurry. Even when I came home they were buggin. I couldn't really see the computer or the TV. I couldn't read. I watched Dark Angel but it was a strain. So, I went to bed at 10:00. I just lay there. I felt tired, but I couldn't sleep. By, 12:30 or so I tried to read for a while. I just never stayed asleep for long and I had weird dreams. By the time seven o'clock came around I didn't know whether to get out of bed or keep trying to sleep. Right now I just want to go back to bed.

I write one page of masterpiece to ninety one pages of shit. I try to put the shit in the wastebasket.-Ernest Hemingway

My glasses are buggin me. It's true that I can see far away things better and reading is better, but I'm having some trouble adjusting to the place in the lens where it switches. I also think that the left lens may be too strong. And they slide. I know I can get them tightened and I may ask them to check the left lens. I can't walk down the street with them. They told me I would be dizzy and need to adjust to them, so I'm trying to wear them, but I can't walk with them. I guess I look down when I walk and then I'm looking through the reading part. I guess. It's annoying. I can walk around the apartment. My eyes aren't that bad. I may just wear them in class, or when I'm reading. We'll see.

I got my haircut. Which means I actually look like the picture. My hair grows so fast, it was almost to the middle of my back. It feels good.

So, today begins Healthy Weight Week. There are handouts to read. And I'll be focusing my link of the day toward size acceptance. But for today lets just spend a minute thinking about health...at any size, diversity...in beauty, normalizing the fat body. Oh, I could go on and on ....and you know I will.

Just in time for Healthy Weight Week! Last night I went to a fund raiser for Big Moves. They're trying to raise money to bring Big Dance to San Francisco. I saw Big Dance in May and watched a video of that performance last night. It's truly wonderful to watch them. I've watched a fair amount of modern dance and from that perspective I was both blown away by what wonderful movers are in the company, and wanted them to do more. I wondered about some of the choreographic choices. I watch for how aware dancers are of their hands and feet, how long they hold extended limbs, how well they form lines with their bodies. And in this company I saw lots of great lines and full body awareness, and some not so great stuff. But, I want to be quick to say that I've had that experience when watching other dance companies. They are the first fat modern dance company. Mark Morris used some dancers with bodies not formally used in dance. Big Dance is breaking ground. People are going to measure them relative to notions of endurance and precision. And some of the rules should be broken. Dance can evolve and our eyes can learn to see differently. They're doing some great work. It's wonderful to see fat bodies dance. Last night there was also video of the PHAT Fly Girls. They're local fat women that do the hiphop classes offered by Big Moves, one of whom was Marilyn! Very cute!

My glasses are still buggin me. I didn't put them on yet today. I like them most of the time, but my eyes feel tired and I can't walk down the street, yet.

I finished The Girl With The Pearl Earring. It was a very relaxing, pleasant read. I think part of why I enjoyed it was because of my drawing. It was fun to think about color and painting. Now, I'm ready for school tomorrow. I have done most of the reading for one of my classes, but I want to see what the reading load will be like before I start another book.

So, today we celebrate Martin Luther King. I think he would have liked Healthy Weight Week.

Healthy Weight Week continues. Todays link is The Body Positive, a site developed by three women with a slant toward fighting eating disorders. I think it's important to make a distinction between eating disorders and fat politics. For me, eating disorders are a heartbreaking result of a toxic culture that feeds women, specifically, but men, more and more, impossible images of beauty. But, eating disorders are also about power. When you feel as if there are so many things that you can not control, you focus on hyper control of a thing, like eating. There are fat people who have disordered relationships with food, but one of the major misconceptions is that fat people sit around eating. This is a long discussion with necessary distinctions, but to stay with the comparison between fat politics and eating disorders, a person with an eating disorder can work on healing their relationship with food and their body and have approval and privilege in the culture through the whole process. They won't be asked to change their weight for a job, or to fit into a public space ( a chair in a restaurant or movie theater). A fat person's healing begins when they accept that dieting doesn't work, they may always be some degree of fat and that their bodies shape is a natural expression of genetic diversity. And they will need to advocate for themselves and their rights. This isn't meant to be a better/worse comparison. In terms of positive body ideas, we're all in it together. And The Body Positive is a great site with a cool Flash opening.

Suzanne, Lucia and Gabe came over and we went to Pasta Pomodoro for lunch. We got soaked walking up there. Gabe and I were singing What If God Was One Of Us along with the muzac. Pretty fun!

School is back in session. Yippee! I had to read a bunch of Nobel Prize speeches for the first class. They're quite interesting.

Cyn sent this link to me yesterday so I watched the show last night. Amazing! I was particularly struck by how forgiving the body is. There are children who were having seizures and they've had the left side of their brain removed! And the right side of the brain picks up the tasks, like speech, normally operated in the left side. Bodies are amazing. The site is full of fun brain illusions. Check out the Lincoln recognition test.

There is another Body Positive site. The second is Deb Burgard's site. There is a Health at any Size web ring and the very cool Body Disparagement Free Zone door hanger. I have one hanging on my kitchen light switch. I actually get caught up reading the stuff on this page. It reinforces my own understanding of fat truth.

Class last night. My assignment is to write about the word fat for twenty minutes a day. OK. Tonight is the Ethical Issues class for which I did all the reading. It was pretty great to see people last night.

Willa got a handheld. Of course when I was reading about it I wanted one. I don't need it AT ALL. But, while I was reading her entry I clicked on her TeaLeaves link and got this...

Ethical Issues should be fun. It's the kind of thing I could talk about all night. We're reading Uncle Walt. Drum Taps and Memories of President Lincoln. I'm reading The Better Angel for some back up. And I'm reading Playing in the Dark for inspiration to do my writing on white privilege. So, we're off to a running start.

I have trouble sleeping after class. Tuesday I watched The Secret Life of the Brain and last night I read for a while. I should do this at night. In the mornings, after class I'm dim witted. Ironic.

This morning I was link hopping through some journals that I normally check out. A few great sites, very arty. And in each one I saw a thing about fatness. Not a ugly mean thing. Just a thing. One had a download of Bart Simpson saying I washed myself with a rag on a stick, which is, I guess, a reference to an episode in which Homer decides to be so fat he can claim disability and not work. He gets so fat he has to wash himself with a rag on a stick. The person used it as a header for an entry in which she talks about worrying that she will gain weight. In another there was a predate confidence date, the first question is "Do I look fat in this?" So, I, who am fat, am supposed to ignore the imbedded slap. They just don't want to be fat. I mean that would just be awful. I mean, you have to wash yourself with a rag on a stick.

Being fat is a simple physical characteristic. An expression of nature's diversity. Like skin color. If I read something on a site that said is my skin too dark? Should I use a lightner? I think my outrage would be easy to understand. But, these little slams about fatness...they're suppose to be understandable.

I'm not saying that people don't have a right to have their bodies be any way they want them. But, I wish people would think about that fear, that dread of being fat. And if I'm in the room when they're thinking about it, I wish they'd think about what it says to me. What their dread says to me about who I am.

The people whose sites I was looking at don't know me. They don't read me. They're just living in the "normal" world. In the "normal" world people just don't "let" themselves ...get fat... because...? I just wish people would question the inherent hostility of this obsession.

There's an interesting article from Salon talking about Laura Fraser and Glen Gaesser. The article is pretty cool but has a heading, Doomed to be fat. DOOMED. Oh my God...I'm DOOMED.

Well, here's the deal ... I am not an icon, a warning against too many banana splits. I am a person I a fat body. I define the meaning. Not the diet industry, not the medical industry ( yes I did mean industry), not the media, .... me... I define the meaning. I'm fat because I am.

I wasn't going to write anything. I spent the whole day yesterday struggling with a piece of writing for school and I have to start working on it again. sigh.

But it's the last day of Healthy Weight Week. Yesterday was one of those days when I saw fat hatred everywhere I looked so today I'm feeling weary of it all. It was fun to try and find a link a day. It required that I reread much of the documentation. In many ways that makes me feel stronger in my own position but there is another way in which it makes me feel the weight of the issue. I grow weary of the hypervigilance. I don't want to end the week on a tired, sad note.

Spent the morning link hopping, mostly to journals. I continue to be amazed by how many there are and how many fun things they come up with to do.

And, as I imagined, school is already sucking my brain dry. It's not school so much as it is this piece of writing that I'm trying to do. It's making me miserable.

Yesterday I found this great blog. I spent a while (avoiding my writing) reading the archives. Some of the links don't work but, there are plenty that do. I saw this creepy PETA pitch. Wrote them and told them how disgusting it is. I think they can come up with a better way to make their point. The link of the day is to an interview that Big Fat Blog did with Diane Bliss. Well, the blog didn't do the interview, Mike did it. ( See how much trouble I'm having writing!)

"No one has been interested in the overweight woman's description for her own experience on the ground that she must not know anything, otherwise she would be in better shape. Such a woman is presumed to be able to speak with authority only after she has lost weight. Until that time, describing her situation is considered to be a delaying tactic -- her substitute for action." -McBride, A.B. and McBride, W.L. 1981. "Theoretical Underpinnings for Women's Health.

Heh, heh. I found the above quote in the Gab cafe yesterday and I just had to use it! I mean really! Delay this!

I woke up in the middle of the night from a really cool dream that felt like I might have solved all the problems of my incarnation ( wish I'd written it down) and then woke up this morning having a strange dream about rain, leaking through the ceiling and the walls ...hmmm. So much for that problems of the incarnation thing. Couldn't pull out of it until after eight. Spent some time in the Gab cafe, checking up on the shared out rage of my fellow fat folks, read some journals and now ... it's after ten! Good God! I am in such an avoidance pattern! I'm sitting here thinking I should redesign my page. ( no no I must write) I was at Opine Bovine for more than a few minutes, finding Pablo. And reading this for more shared outrage.

I did very little writing yesterday, but I did read more about Uncle Walt and the civil war, including the poems.

So, I was talking to Karen ( which made me very happy) and she mentioned the way the writing pushed up against the sides in this area and made it seem clipped. It is something I noticed and wondered about. And now, I think I've fixed it.

I resisted the urge to spend the day doing site redesign and worked on my paper. Can't say that I'm happy with it yet, but I'm working on it.

But working on the paper is like ... write a paragraph, check e-mail, play mahjong, look for journal updates, eat an orange, write another two paragraphs, read some more on my topic, delete all three paragraphs, write another four paragraphs, order a pizza, call three people, no one home, eat an orange, write another three sentences, read some more, check e-mail, go to the cafe, post some responses, play mahjong, write another paragraph, the pizza comes, the phone rings, talk to friend about the writing, groan and moan and bitch, eat pizza, read some more delete everything, write more stuff, check e-mail, read some journals...

Rita Lazar lost her brother in the WTC on 9/11. Recently she went to Afghanistan with Global Exchange. Today she was on Democracy Now with Media. There is this to read about MS Lazar's experience or you can go the Democracy Now site and listen.

I had been given an assignment to write about the word fat for twenty minutes a day. No punctuation, just write in stream of consciousness. I was reading what I had written last night in class and there were parts about fat being about fullness and when I was done, I looked up and the FULL moon was in FULL view. It was like this big beautiful affirmation. Quite spectacular!

I never wrote about seeing Ralph Nader last week. He was in town speaking at The Common Wealth club. He's just the coolest! I found out about it at the last minute and Deb and I went. I just love that guy!

I stayed up late trying to finish the The Better Angel because tonight we're talking about Drum Taps. It's been helpful to read the book while I was reading the poems. The poems start off in high Jingoist form and then, as Whitman spends time in the camps, get more sober. But, the Civil War gave him purpose. And, sadly, I think that happens to people.

Amy is doing a post state of the Union show. She played some of it. It's pretty discouraging. It's great to be in this class right now, just to have ways to read and think about war and ethics.

I had an emotionally difficult day yesterday, in the middle of which I launched Netscape to see if Suzanne was on IM and saw that this was my horoscope.