February  

                                                                                  I remembered!

I went to bed clutching a note to remind myself and woke up having dreams about accidentally saying something else first. I'm such an obsessive. It's funny because it's been a while since I had to wake up early. Today I'm helping Michael with a catering event at the convent, and John is picking me up at 8:30. And last night Tom called, so I stayed up till 2:30 talking to him! It was great to talk to him but geez, now I'm all outta whack!

This is making me so tense. It does seem amazingly deft and it's horrifying. It is a first step in dismantling Row V Wade. And that's the first step back to the dark back alley days of abortion. The sanctity of life conversation is lost on me considering that we executed two people in America last night.

A debate about the right to have stomach reduction surgery has irrupted in the Gab Cafe. It is a tender issue. I am strongly opposed to the surgery but I'm equally strongly in favor of the right to choose what happens to your body. What's sad to me is the need to not get too fat is pervasive. There are mobility issues and I have them! But the surgery is such an extreme choice.

 "To value ourselves rightly, infinitely, released from shame and self-rejection, implies knowing that we are claimed by the totality of life. To share in a loving community and vision that magnifies our strength and banishes fear and despair, here, we find the solid ground from which justice can flow like a mighty stream. Here, we find the fire that burns away from confusion that opression heaped upon us during our childhood weakness. Here, we can see what needs to be done and find the strength to do it. To value ourselves rightly. To love one another. That is to heal the heart of justice."     -- Victor Lewis

2 2 2002                                                    9:19 AM

I didn't do a page yesterday because I was so caught up in the Gastric Bypass Debate at the Gab Cafe. I spent much of the day writing long posts. It's troubling to me to discover how many fat people are willing to consider allowing someone to cut into their flesh in the hopes of having a body that will finally be thin. The issues are mobility and quality of life. But really, what defines quality of life? I know the definition changes for me all the time.

I thought a lot about what defines fat identity for me. I know that I have always been physically active, until I started school and began spending more time sitting in class and at a computer. In New York I worked out five days a week, not to mention running up and down subway steps every day.  And, generally speaking, I eat a healthy diet. Like any one else, some days are better than others. And I have always been fat. More fat and less fat, but fat. The diet thing just makes no sense to me.

Once I lived on cabbage soup for almost two weeks in an attempt to loose weight to fit into a bathing suit and I lost some weight. But, considering what I was eating, it seemed like I should have lost more.

There is a theory that, for those of us with a certain genetic base, dieting confuses the body. It signals famine and the body begins to hold on to its reserves. So, the more you diet, the more the body holds on. Establishing a consistent pattern of eating and exercising gives the body a way to level off, but that may mean that the body maintains a level a fatness.

Little of this data is studied because if you don’t want to include the notion of weight loss in your study you don’t get funding. Much of the obesity research being done is funded by the weight loss industry. The push to define obesity as a disease is a direct result of their greed.

So, I haven’t looked at much else on the Internet. Haven’t done any reading or writing. Now, I’m goin swimming!

My new epigraph is another great share from Pattie! Thank you!

 2 4 2002                                                    9:49 AM

Yesterday was fun. First I went swimming and then I went to the Big Dance event. I helped set up the chocolate! The PHAT Fly girls danced and there was a belly dance group, the name of which I can not remember but they were great. We all ate chocolate and drank coffee and I got to talk to Ari Asha and meet Leslie. Lot's of the fat community and their supporters were there. I'm starting to be more familiar with the group. Deb came and she and I went to dinner. All in all a pretty social and fun. It's good for me to be social. I spend too much time alone. I just don't always have fun in social settings. I'm not big on small talk. But, yesterday was fun.

I was listening to NPR in the morning. Robert Bradley was being interviewed. He's blind. He was talking about the need to look good to make it in the music biz and he said something about everybody knows if you're fat you don't look that good. All I could think was ... he's blind... but he's been listening.

Things seem to have gone well in New York. Some reports of badness. There is a protest today in front of Enron's accounting firm.

 2 8 2002                                                    9:49 AM

I've felt that doing the page was a life affirming thing to do. I kinda just like that it gets me writing every morning. And it gets me out into the Internet, reading and looking for things to share, art, ideas. In a way, even though I'm writing about myself, it works to push me out of my self every morning.

But, this has been one of those weeks. I'm emotionally pretty caved in. The reasons are many but the effect has been that I just haven't felt like I had anything to say. So I haven't been writing my page.

Generally, when school is happening and I'm doing writing for classes the journal gets less attention. But I can usually get it together to mutter something.

So, I got e-mail from Barbara and Mary Patrick wondering what's up. Thanks you guys. I appreciate anyone reading the page, ever.

I'm still a bit mooky. But ... I'm working on it.

 2 9 2002                                                    12:38 PM

Spent some time link hopping in an attempt to cheer up. Found an entire site for recording my mood swings. And they have fat as a mood! Gotta love it.And they have an automatic thing that tells you books to read for your mood...I got Fat!So?  Heh! If you look up the mood they have a list of definitions. Theoretically, if you click on the face up there by the time you will go to my mood page, but I'm not sure about the link.

More fun had, playing with this. Couldn't figure out how to make a screen shot of what I did but I had fun.

Minna announced a new coloring contest. Woo hoo!

So, I just read stuff and played, I made this...

....and I cleaned up the apartment, went shopping, made corn tortillas with cheddar cheese. Just tried to reengage with things.

Geez, it's almost 1:00! I was ready to publish the page and Jo Ann called. Ahhhh, the great relief of having her to talk to.....

  2 10 2002                                                    9:38 AM

 Talked for long luxurious times with Suzanne and Jo Ann. Was feeling much better and then I found this pile of bills that I had tucked to one side. I need money. I'm just not dealing with this reality. Then I got into a tumble of remembering the plan I had for my future at NCOC. sigh. It's too foolish to go over it.

While I was drifting I found The Century Project. I have to admit I found it challenging in many ways. There were times when I worried about the pornographic possibility, like who is looking at these photos? But, what was interesting was noticing on which photos I worried about that and when I didn't. Actually interesting isn't the word, sad is the word. There's just this short time when bodies are read as sexual, and it seems so fleeting and vulnerable. And I had issues about beauty. So, I just kept staring. I let the images speak to me about life and humanity.

And then I found A Place at the Table. It's  like a combination of the AIDS quilt and the Dinner Party.

Very moving.

I think the Love Letter project could be fun. It seems like it kind of ground to a halt while the woman who started it had oral surgery. Which is a good reason to not do anything except whine. I wonder if Valentines day will bring a flurry of entries.

And I visited Henry's Diary. What kind of kooky kindergarten could turn down this kid?!

With all the phone chat and web drift I never went to Safeway and my designer milk had gone bad. (Which I didn't know until I had poured it on my cereal yesterday...ick) So, today I'm crunching down dry Multi Grain Cherrios and a multi grain English muffin. I'm so Multi grain and dairy less! And now I'm going swimming!

But I'm broke.

  2 11 2002                                                    8:53 AM

This is weird. Yesterday I was reading Hanne Blank's journal in the morning. She made mention of someone that she knew and I realized that she was talking about a girl who was visiting Marilyn. So when Marilyn and the girl came to pick me up I asked if she was the girl. Hanne mentions this in her journal today, in a way that I'm having trouble not feeling bad about. But maybe I'm projecting. It's attaching to the general feel of yesterday. There were people filming us swimming for a thing about size acceptance. And there were two other girls there to meet Marilyn. So, it was a very hyper, public day. AND the water in the pool was cold. I enjoyed swimming but it was a weird day. And so I may not be reading clearly. There are some days when I should just not go out. We ate big platter Mexican food for lunch and I came home kind of tired and spaced out. So, I did nothing.

I have some writing I need to work on for school but I'm feeling really detached. Somehow, I gotta push through that ...and I gotta do it today. And I have to do it early since I'm going to see Eve Ensler tonight.

Shit, I feel so weepy.

 "Language is a skin: I rub my language against the other. It is as if I had words instead of fingers, or fingers at the tip of my words. My language trembles with desire."         ~Roland Barthes

2 12 2002                                                    9:53 AM

 Whew, Roland! Who said semiotics wasn't sexy!

It's Fat Tuesday! Back in the day, when I was a party girl with a rock n roll band, I always wanted to play on Fat Tuesday. Most of the time I went to see Steve play. I was a New Orleans wanna be - he is the real real!  

Last week I went to see Eve Ensler and I was there a week early. My bad. Yesterday I went and there so many people there that I couldn't get in. I did have the opportunity to direct her to the bathroom. Wasn't that special?

It made me so cranky!  I went home in deep sulk. Fortunately Suzanne called. I was much less cranky after I talked to her. Of course much less doesn't seem to mean much these days. I'm still pretty cranky.

I think it's a bit of a worry that ever since I started putting my mood up (click on the little face beside the time to see my imood) I've been in a terrible mood. This is a bad trend. That's the problem with recording things, you see patterns. I was refreshed once. That was also after I'd talked to Jo Ann in the morning and Suzanne in the afternoon. Clearly I need to talk to cool, enlightened, intelligent, groovy chicks. And happily, I know many!

Yesterday there was a protest at the Supes meeting. There are some photos at SF Indy media and a tiny mention of it in the paper. It was all about Gavin Newsoms Draconian plans to herd the homeless into a new version of death camps. Oh, gee, do I sound extreme? I just resent the way he uses words like "moral responsibility".

Mark sent me a link to a page full of pictures of a gig in Boulder. Sweet!

It's also Chinese New Year. So many reasons to celebrate and I'm such a crank!

Class tonight. Must do more writing now.

2 13 2002                                                    8:59 AM

Sentences that begin with ...

Writing should

Writing is

Writers should

should be banned.

OK....I know....I sound crazy. I am.

Just please...don't start sentences that way around me for a while.

It seems like too many times in my life I look around and think what the fuck am I doing here. And then I have to decide if I'm going to change things and if I am...what am I going to change? Will moving the furniture be enough? Or do I have to relocate? Or do I just need to deal with what is happening? Will that require medication?

I know this is all oblique. But ... I need to find a way to deal with this funk. The best I can do right now is try to be very detached.

 2 14 2002                                                    9:16 AM

Here ya go.

Sigh.

I'm trying not to write about how much I hate Valentine's Day.

I wasn't going to post at all but I wanted to put this link up. I mean I do live in the coolest city ever. Despite my frustrated attempts at hearing her speak I do still think Eve Ensler is cool and the VDay thing is pretty great. I was surprised to read Betty Dodson's thought on it all. Well, maybe not surprised. Bemused.

2 15 2002                                                    9:16 AM

1. What was the first thing you ever cooked?

     Cake, in my Easy Bake oven. There was a little box of "cake mix" and I added water. It was ...uh...like eating sweet cardboard. 
2. What's your signature dish?

      It changes. I made five spice salmon that one of my friends requests. Another wants my  Tapanade. Then there       was the mac & cheese...only it was shells and not mac, there were three kinds of cheese...and Deb and I made       it, so she gets some credit.
3. Ever had a cooking disaster?

       I was making whipped cream and I grabbed a bottle of peppermint instead of vanilla. It was  like eating        toothpaste. And once I grabbed heavy cream at the store, took it home to make Alfredo sauce. Turned out it        was flavored with vanilla. I didn't figure that out until I had dumped it in the pan. Maybe I should learn to        read.
4. If skill and money were no object, what would make for your dream meal?

       My dream meal is pretty simple, I like steak, a  salad with watercress and beets, and french fries. I don't have        a fryer at home, but smashed potatoes are good enough.
5. What are you doing this weekend?

      sigh

      Maybe I'll try to answer that on Monday.

Since we're talking about cooking ... I made myself a pretty good dinner last night. Scallops, mixed greens and Yukon golds. I planned on drinking wine and pretending I was my own valentine but nah...I ate in front of the computer and drank tea.

Our  reading for Ethical Issues class is ... great...and...difficult. Now we're reading Pound. AyYiYi. I found this, it took me an hour to get though it.

 2 16 2002                                                    8:22 AM

 My arm is not happy. Too much point and click.

I got a lot done yesterday, laundry, cleaned the bathroom, did preliminary reading to do a paper for Ethical Issues. But I also did a bunch of journal crawling. Late last night my arm just crapped out. I took ibuprofen, grabbed an ice pack and went to bed. It was pretty bad. Today it's still hurting.

2 18 2002                                                    11:28 AM

                                                                        arm hurts

                                                                        can't type

                                                                       don't worry

                                                                         back soon

2 21 2002                                                    9:28 AM

 O.K. That sucked. Four days of me with my arm on an ice pack. I can use my fingers again. Phew. I still don't have full range of motion and there is a weird tingly feeling in my elbow. I'm thinking that's nerves regrowing or something. I'm using my left hand for most things which makes me feel weird. I shouldn't do too much typing but I wanted to be back for                                   

1. Hey, baby, what's your sign? Do you think it fits you pretty well?

Gemini. Gemini rising. Libra moon. Duality times three. Oh yeah. It fits.
2. What's the worst birthday gift you've ever received?

A friend bought me a book written by a woman with whom I'd had a bad relationship. When I opened it everyone seemed to know it was a weird thing to give me, except her.
3. What's the best birthday gift you've ever received?

I've had a few. My friends pitched together and bought me a scanner. Another time friends pitched together and bought me a book of Georgia O'Keefe flowers, printed on really great paper. It was a fifty dollar book. Last year Marilyn gave me a ring that I had admired once when we were shopping around. I'm pretty lucky with friends.
4. What's the best way you've celebrated your birthday thus far?

Once I put together a rock and roll band and played in a club in Boulder. It was the beginning of my little career as a singer. Once I checked into a hotel in Denver, ordered lobster from room service, a friend sent roses, it was really romantic despite the fact that I was alone.
5. What are your plans for this weekend?

I hate this question. It depends on my arm.

Right in the middle of my paralysis the deadline for the Dollars Short coloring contest came and I had to finish my entry with my left hand. I had more fun working on it with my right hand a feeling of lots of time but it was still fun. Click on it to see me in the list. And check out everyone's work. Truly amazing!

 2 22 2002                                                    11:00 AM

 I really don't like using my left hand. As of yesterday I could use my right hand again and I have been. So, today it hurts. It's taking so much longer to recover from this than I would ever have imagined. I find it annoying. It might be a god idea for me to develop the use of my left hand. Right now I have the mouse on the left and I've been playing Spider Solitaire to try and get used to it. I'm not used to it. I'm annoyed by it. I am better every day.

Jennifer and Marilyn  were on the news yesterday. Jennifer is pursuing her complaint to the SF Human Rights Commission. Thank you Jennifer! There was a bit of film on KPIX showing Jennifer kicking it up in her class. Marilyn was there in her ohsopink tights. Very cool.

On Thursday  evening Mary Patrick took me to see belle hooks. She talked about love. I've had her book All About Love for a while and I'm reading it now. I need to improve my attitude about life. Sitting around for a week watching TV has not helped me to feel like I have a purpose.I did discover that I have IFC which was fun.

I've spent so much time wandering around the Internet this morning that now...the day is half over and I'm in my pajamas. GOODGAWD.

  2 24 2002                                                    9:31 AM

It's probably just web infatuation but this makes me laugh.

Spent the day redesigning the refrigerator door page. Added links to some of the journals I read and put all the stuff from the others on it. Others is still up as a separate page but not for long. I never have liked the way it looks. I'm getting pretty good with the mouse in my left hand. I did almost everything with one hand. Typing starts to hurt. I went through the old journal pages and took out most of the link rot. There were a few links that were impossible to take out with out changing the text, so I just left them in. This page is next.

Some of this was brought on by seeing all the amazing stuff that's out there. Paul has a new design. As does Veronica. I feel so not good enough. I'm thinking of downloading Moveable type but I'm afraid I won't be able to figure it out. I took the Open Pages thing off since I'm not listed in the ring. I'm still not on Ageless either but I just like them so...I'm still hoping. It's odd. I never cared if strangers read my page. In fact it worried me a little. But when you read around you see that there is a community of sorts. You see certain names over and over. I think I'm feeling like the  kid that doesn't fit in. I'm 48 years old for crying out loud! But it really does come down to ..I like them...and I want them to like me. Pout. So when I see my name in the Aortal list, or on Bobbie's others page, I get all excited. I'm such a geek!

Jennifer is in the paper today. She was blogged yesterday. I love Big Fat Blog!!

I got the new epigraph from Invisible Inc.

  2 25 2002                                                    8:47 AM

Whoa. I got a site meter for fun. In the process of putting it on the page I learned something about my web editor. I learned how to see my page in HTML. Which also means I learned that I can practice writing HTML in my web editor because now I know where to do that. Now, it's a terrible time to learn this because I can barely do the writing I need to do before my arm craps out. And I am in a writing program. So I need to prioritize. But, it's something to know for the future. I know even people that know HTML use editors, but I could be one of the cool kids that cleans up the code. And then there's CSS! There's a lot to learn. I don't know why this is so important to me.

Swimming was OK. My arm cramped a bit and I had to be careful but it was OK. It was probably good for me.

The whole arm thing is bugging me. It just seems like it's taking a long time to heal. It's been a little better every day and today it feels almost normal. But there is an odd tingly thing going on and some stiffness. Of course the minute I could use my right hand again I did. Although, I still have the mouse on the left.

This just makes me laugh. I found the link to it on Emily's site.

The belle hooks has me ruminating on spirituality, truth, love, maturity. Yuck. No, but really...I am doing some self examination relative to the ways in which I have withdrawn from the world. It's almost like I fake my way through so much of what I'm doing. And part of that happens when I assess the situation and determine that I'm not going to get what I need. There's a chicken and an egg here. Do I determine that I'm not going to get what I need and then shut down or do I shut down and then determine that I'm not going to get what I need?

OK. So I gotta begin my day, get some writing done.

 2 26 2002                                                    9:15 AM

The arm seemed to be better yesterday. It was a little tight and there were a few pains but I got some writing done. Then last night it woke me up a few times. Ouch. Ouch Ouch. Shit. Generally speaking, I'm pretty cranky about the meanings of adjectives, like fat, white, 48, but I'm thinking this is a 48 thing. You know, like my body is just not going to recover in a day or even a week.

Kristina and I are going to start a magazine, no...a literary journal, called The Curmudgeon Chronicles. Featuring things like the top ten reasons to be cranky. Like, is any body else bugged by the fact that the first is on Friday? It seems like I just paid a pile of bills and now I have all new ones. And the rent is due.

I'm reading the Quartets for Ethical Issues. But Kristina suggested I read The Archivist. The first chapter is here and the first paragraph pulled me in. I'd like to get back in bed and keep reading but I have school tonight.

 2 27 2002                                                    9:06 AM

There's a full moon today. Apparently it is called the Big Winter Moon, Horning Moon, Hunger Moon, Ice Moon, Red Cleansing Moon, Storm Moon, Sun Moon, Quickening Moon, and the Wild Moon. Seems ominous. I got all that here.

I have to go over the Quartets and I might look back at the Pound, since I missed last week and he might come up in the conversation. And I'm going to read more The Archivist...just coz. I read last night till too late. And, for the second day a row...I just wanna get back in bed.   

 2 28 2002                                                    10:02 AM

Suzanne and Carrie have been blogged. Well, not blogged so much as journaled. Windchime Walker wrote about having dinner with them in her on line journal, including a link to a photo she took of the kids the first time they met, which I linked to way back then! In fact I'm coming up on my one year anniversary of doing the journal. I started on March 20th last year.

Kristina sends me a wink and a nod from her journal yesterday. Aren't we all one big on line family? Being a curmudgeon, my quote from the Quartets would come from Burnt Norton.

"Trying to learn to use words, and every attempt

Is a wholly new start, and a different kind of failure"

We're on to H.D. now.

Yesterday was Ralph Nader's Birthday, which I learned from Matt Gonzalez when I was listening to the Finance committee. Matt was conducting a hearing about the notion of a livable wage in SF. It was among the most politically hopeful things I've ever heard.I can't say that I'm feeling that hopeful. It seems unlikely in a pro business town like SF, in the middle of a financial crunch, that wages are going to go up. But it was so great to listen to it all. Matt gets big kudos for this. Oh, and Happy Birthday Ralph.

This is pretty cute. I got it from Paul who got it from Meryl who got it from Anita. And since I spent time reading all those pages...it's almost 10:00!

Pssst.Don't forget