If we
can recognize that change and uncertainty are basic principles, we can greet the
future and the transformation we are undergoing with the understanding that we
do not know enough to be pessimistic.
--Hazel
Henderson
December 1 2001
So, I checked out the new site design on Marilyn's new computer. The color was kinda washed out. A while back Karen told me that there was no drop down menu on the before page and she couldn't access the old stuff. I thought it might be her computer, but on Marilyn's brand new computer it wasn't showing up either. The drop down on my main page was working. I'm at a loss...BUT...if you don't see a drop down below,let me know. All the links that were on this page are on the refrigerator door page. My efforts at simplifying may have been a mistake, but I'm going to stick with this design for a while. Meanwhile, I added some links to the before page in case the drop down doesn't show up there. Oy.
Marilyn and I went to Rainbow. While we were there Marilyn saw a blank book with "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant" on the cover This in a grocery store where they stopped selling a juice because it had a cartoon of a Kamikaze guy on the front and it was seen as racist.I'm writing to them. I got some St Andre, which I had for dinner, on ak-max, with an apple. Yum. I also got a mouse trap. It's a little green house. The mouse is suppose to go in there and then I'm going to take it ...somewhere. Maybe to the wharf. I dunno.
I was going to do laundry but it was just too rainy and cold. I couldn't face it. So, I fooled around on line all day. I did change the sheets, do the dishes and some dusting. Just enough to fend off my inner Puritan.
The bombing in Jerusalem made for waves of rhetoric on CNN and MSNBC. It's so complicated and heart breaking. And the news is full of dueling extremists, with the news person asking increasingly incendiary questions. I can't imagine how they're going quell the violence, but it isn't helpful when our source of information is so reductive. More bombs this morning.
I had this bright idea to use the word of the day from the OED site in a sentence every day. But, the words have managed to outfall my ability.
Marilyn and I went to a fat women's swim. It was so much fun! It's great to be in water. It put me in a soft, child-like place. The pool had stairs that were easy to get down. I was so happy. And there is something great about seeing a bunch of fat women bobbing in a pool. Now my muscles feel strong and there is less halt in my walk.
Then we went to a poetry reading, done by the poetry class in my program. Great! Great! Great poetry! It was a perfect Sunday.
December 4 2001
So, it doesn't really work to link to the OED word of the day. It's a mistake, because the word changes. Drat!
I had to do the laundry, five loads! And it wore me out. I worked on a statement of esthetics between loads, listened to the Board. They did a ceremony in which they honored youth. Each supervisor chose one young person from their district. It was really fantastic and moving. We hear too many stories of the evils of youth.
Last night the two blocks from the shopping center to my house were dark, some kind of power outage. It was spooky. But, there was power in my apartment. I watched some TV and fooled around on the computer before I went to bed. The power went off in my apartment two times during the night. I know this because my phone beeped, both when it went off and when it went back on, and the beeping woke me up. So, I didn't sleep well. I woke up late. And I feel a bit out of it.
We had a big talk about publishing last night. I'm so ambivalent. I didn't push my recording of Fat Love, when I had a band. I didn't push my voice over tape after I took all those classes. And it's likely that I'll flounder when it comes to pushing my writing. I guess that's not a good attitude. There are issues about publishing that we didn't discuss. It's possible to self publish. There are quite a few small press publications. The focus of the discussion was on literacy journals. But, even literary journals have a politic. We are at a quadrivial moment, at least. I'm going to have to work through this.
The semester is over. I'm happier about it than I thought I would be. I need to process everything that I went through during the semester. I lay in bed last night, staring at the ceiling. I'm disoriented about writing. I knew when I woke up this morning I would try to write my page and face it all again. What do I have to say?
I'm listening to Ashcroft defending the patriot act. He's smooth. It's a terrifying hearing. He's not being challenged much. Civil liberties are on the precipice. Fear and vengeance and the belief in our inchoate superiority inform so much of the discourse. Even the intention to forefend the purchase of guns gets tossed into the fray. The center will not hold.
I've been waking up at six or so and feeling like that's too early, then I go back to sleep and have trouble waking up. I'm still up before 7:30, which seems reasonable. I'm forever negotiating my inner Puritan and my more demanding libertine nature.
Last year I went to my mom's house for Christmas. I took King Leopold's Ghost, The Poisonwood Bible and Things Fall Apart and made jokes about pretending I was in Africa. Synchronistically, this year, I am reading July's People and Long Walk to Freedom. I'm trying to parse African history and politics in an attempt to understand current situations.
Michael and John had Deb and I over for brunch. Michael went all out, made eggs benedict, scones and sticky buns. Their apartment is a Christmas festival! The made fruit cake and a Christmas CD for us as well. So, sweet!
December 11 2001
I had a dream in which most of my classmates lived near me and they were waking me up to talk. I didn't mind but I kept falling back to sleep. Then it seemed that they had all left and the front door was open, so I went to close it. And I saw that they were outside. And I wanted to sketch in my notebook but I didn't have the time. Which is a true thing, I'm always wishing I would make time to sketch. Pretty funny stuff.
Marilyn and I keep trying to have a meal at this place called Rock Soup. But, it never seems to be open when we go. So, we wandered around and found a nice Italian place,Palatino in Bernal Heights.
I keep wondering what will happen with this kid from Marin, John Walker. In the news it's the same old bifurcated discussion; is he a traitor or not? Not much discussion of his choice to learn the purist form of Arabic and it's path to the purist form of Islam and his claim that it was his heart that connected him to these people. He seems very sweet and thoughtful and lone.
I got an e-mail from my cousin Ted yesterday. There was a high school reunion for Keystone Oaks, the high school we both attended in Pittsburgh. I moved to Maryland for my last two years of school so I didn't graduate from KO. But, I guess there was a time when we all wrote in our school paper what we would leave to our teachers and I had left my hippie beads to Mr. Murray. Cute. I wonder about Gary Demblowski, my true love from those days.
Christina and I went to City Lights and bought books. Then Marilyn joined us at Coppola's Cafe for dinner and to hear David read. It was great to hear him and see him but it was an odd setting. There was a THIS IS NOT A FIRE EXIT sign above his head.
I found this game on line and spent the whole day playing it! Such indolence! I was listening to the radio and the Board on TV all day but, really, it was a goofy way to spend a day.
December 15 2001
I went to Oakland to have lunch with Mary Patrick. We yakked it up and had fun. It's a bus to a BART journey so I got a lot of reading done. I'm reading ahead for a class, so I'm reading books I might not have picked up. Currently, I'm reading The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien. It's a memoir/fiction of Vietnam. It says it's fiction but it's clear that there are some parts of his life embedded in the writing. So, that line between memory and truth is muted. It's a wonderful book, especially now.
I'm a fan of Dark Angel, which I could be embarrassed about if I had the time. But, yesterday there was a thing on Oprah about scientific advances, especially in medicine. There was a guy talking about cloning pets, which apparently is a thing people are into to. The guy said this thing about a dog being clone-worthy. What I like about the Dark Angel character is her disobedience and toughness. She has moments of self examination and moments of personal clarity. This is a, no doubt, elevated view of her and the show, but she's suppose to be this perfect being, physically. And she has self esteem issues. Perfection does not guaranty worthiness to thinking, feeling people.
Carrie and I went to an evening lecture/benefit for Media Alliance, Free Speech Public Radio, and Mobilization to Free Munia. It was a long evening. Both informative and rhetorical. Amy Goodman was there and she was great. Danny Glover was there but a friend of his had a heart attack, and he heard about it just as he walked on stage, so he had to leave. One of Mumia's lawyers was there and he's probably a good lawyer but I found him annoying. He evoked Sacco & Vansetti, the Rosenburg's & Iran/Contra in a surface skim historical context for Mumia's imprisonment. I was happy to hear some of the evidence detailed. And they had a tape of the confession of the man who says he killed the police officer that Mumia is accused of killing.
I sort of forgot the OED word for a few days. My attempts to use it began to feel a bit refracted.
I went swimming yesterday. It's just so good. And it makes Barbara ( my chiropractor) happy! My neck and back were tight and achy the day before and are noticeably better today. Then Marilyn wanted to stop at Ikea. I had never been and I was curious. Yikes. It's huge, filled with people buying and buying. The stuff is cheap, which means it won't last long and will need to be purchased again. I bought a little lamp for my bedside table. It was nine dollars. But, it is amazing how many people are in the world and how many of them are spending Sunday afternoon buying crap. I made a nice dinner for myself, steak, smashed potato and green beans, glass of wine. And now the week begins.
I'm not feeling too festive but I was fooling around and turned my picture into a kind of card. Eartha Kitt is behind me! I am sending a few cards to people that I only tend to communicate with during the holly daze.
I published a piece I wrote about my SIMS addiction in the writing drop down.
My energy has been low. I may have been a bit unwell. My stomach was bothering me on and off and actually drove me back to bed on Monday. Then last night at 8:00 I got a surge of energy and almost started moving furniture. I straightened things up and read half of Farewell To Arms. It's another of the assigned books for next semester. It's interesting. Particularly since we are involved a war. It's too easy to forget that. It's just some snappy music video on CNN.
Mumia's death sentence was thrown out. However, the murder charge was upheld. He may be given a new trail in a few months. But the state of Pennsylvania is fighting it. Things still remain precariously balanced. I was so happy when I heard the news but as the details unfold it seems like there is still reason to worry.
So far I haven't stuck to any real writing schedule. The days just seem to fill up and go by. I'm trying to work on the memoir, which is painful and confusing. I flounder in the structure. I could, I suppose, start over and pretend I had no writing done. the thought of it makes me nauseous.
There is something so disturbing about leaders of nations saying things like "dead or alive". It's as if they believe they're in a cowboy movie. Even when killing might be understandable, like in a defensive situation or an accident, there ought to be some reverence and remorse. The attitude ought not to be so cavalier. Our current leaders seem far too blood thirsty.
I slept badly. Now I'm foggy. The rain is falling and I am waiting for UPS. I got out yesterday for a while and had another late evening energy surge. But I thought I was tired enough to sleep, I went to bed and tossed about until 12:30. Then I read for a while. I may be a bit depressed. I keep crying over music or commercials or moments on Oprah.
There is something so disturbing about leaders of nations saying things like "dead or alive". It's as if they believe they're in a cowboy movie. Even when killing might be understandable, like in a defensive situation or an accident, there ought to be some reverence and remorse. The attitude ought not to be so cavalier. Our current leaders seem far too blood thirsty.
I slept badly. Now I'm foggy. The rain is falling and I am waiting for UPS. I got out yesterday for a while and had another late evening energy surge. But I thought I was tired enough to sleep, I went to bed and tossed about until 12:30. Then I read for a while. I may be a bit depressed. I keep crying over music or commercials or moments on Oprah.
I went to Caroline Casey's solstace show last night. She really is just the coolest, funny, political, spiritual and kooky. She used the story of Sheherezade to describe the value of story telling. Great encouragemant for writers and wanna be writers. I really wish I could just transcibe the whole thing. It was the longest night of the year.
I went with Deb and we had dinner at Oliveto's first. It was an extravigance but I love eating there. The food is always simple and perfect. I had a plate of roasted beets topped with ricotta salada and roast hen. Deb had sword fish and when the two plates arrived, my hen and her fish, they looked so much alike. I found this disturbing. I don't know why. They both had simple green herb and oil sauces. I don't know. The chicken was a bit dry, cut that thin it would be hard not to have it be dry. I shouldn't complain. It was great food.
The guy on the radio just saaid we had some light rain to deal with today. But it's splatting against my window. It does not sound light.
Jeane & Chris came up and took me out to lunch at Mario's. I showed them the SIMS and we got quite hooked into it for a while, as usual. It's such an addiction. It was great fun to be with them.
I watched Face Off on television last night. I don't like to watch movies on television because they show more and more commercials once they have you hooked into the movie. And I'm not really into the action/adventure thing. But, I was a bit interested in the idea of the actors playing each other, playing characters. And once you get hooked into a plot it is harder to break away. I just hate the amount of destruction in these movies. In this one there were these two speedboats, and a pier, and a few buildings blown to bits, and there were two guys that fell from high places to their death, numerous others shot. All the while the hero survives ridiculous things and his tactics, in terms of catching the bad guy, begin to look a lot like the bad guys tactics. And I don't like the notion of absolutely bad guy against absolutely good guy. It was almost interesting watching the "good" guy trying to operate in the bad guys world. But, not so much. The strength of these actors, and the supporting actors, made the movie interesting. But it didn't add up to anything. I probably should have been reading.
I've been totally resistant to the notion of Christmas, this year, but I have been thinking about aspects of the Christmas stories. There are two that operate within my own personal ways of making meaning. The notion that god wants to participate in the world; in the Jesus story it is represented in patriarchal terms. God participates by incarnating, experiencing a humble birth, an average childhood, and a violent death. But because of immaculate conception and resurrection, we understand that god retains the will of that which operates outside of the rules.
And then there’s Santa Claus. Another guy who operates outside of the rules. I am reading Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl by Harriet Jacobs, in which she talks about, as a run away slave, making cloths for her children while in a hiding place in the house where they live. They don’t know she is there. The next day she peers through a hole in the wall and watches them play in their new cloths. She hears a child tell them that there is no Santa Claus; that mother’s put the new cloths out. But, they are confident when they say, but our mother is gone and we got cloths, so there must be a Santa.
The same thing happened to me. I believed in Santa Claus a year longer than most of my friends because I got a doll that I believed my mother didn’t have the money to buy.
December 26 2001
I had dinner with Kobi & Kara. Kobi made salmon, cous cous, bok choy, and this mushroom sauce that was sooooooo good. And Panne Cotte with champagne grapes! Lovely.
I'm extremely fortunate in friends. Karen always makes sure I have something to open on Christmas. This year I got a fat mermaid ornament and a box of candy. Jane sent me a beautiful, purple scarf. Renee made me a lovely plate and Rick brought me cookies, Irish Mist and a CD of new pickPocket ensemble music. Kara and Kobi gave me a spice grinder from Turkey and a music compellation disk. Marilyn got me spices from Dean & Delucca and hair tyes. Debbie made cookies and candy and her mom sent me a basket full of home made jams. Jeane got me a book about cowgirls. Kristina sent an OED word of the day calendar and a magnetic poetry key chain. And my mom sent popcorn and a box of little ornaments. I mean really, who needs Santa Claus?
Oprah did a show in which people who had immigrated to the US talked about how wonderful it is. They talked about the terror of life in their countries and the opportunity they had here, especially in terms of education. It was a touching show but I kept thinking I'd like to be watching it with Noam Chomsky. I'd like to be able to ask him about US complicity in the destabilization of the countries from which they fled. I'm glad that people come here. I welcome anyone. I am aware that I am the child of immigrants. But, I'd like to see all the countries of the world able to feed, house and educate their people. A repetitive statement in the show was ... in America you can be anything you want to be. Well, maybe. But we have had homeless folks. We have people who do not get opportunity. We have people who immigrate and do not end up in Harvard. We need to see our country clearly in order to love it.
There is one thing Oprah is pushing these days that I am moved by. She had Mattie Stepanek on one day. This is kid is a joy. And he asked her to pray for him because he has a sore on his head that isn't healing. So, she has launched a prayer circle. Pray, visualize, just think a good thought for him. He's pretty cool.
My good fortune continues. Lynn came up yesterday and gave a massage and some acupuncture. As a result I'm feeling pretty good today.
Rick, Renee and I went to see A Beautiful Mind last night which is a wonderful film, redemptive and thought provoking.
The old is dying and the new cannot be born; in this interregnum there arises a great diversity of morbid symptoms. --Antonio Gramesci Prison Notebooks
I keep thinking about the movie, A Beautiful Mind. It makes a strong case for the power of the mind when it operates with the heart. I'm wary of giving away too much of the plot but I keep wondering about what each character represents. I guess I think we all form notions of the things we are and the things we need from others. In Caroline's solstice talk she talked about being who you think you need. So, it become a task of integrating those notions of "others". This is all a bit abstruse if you haven't seen the movie, and maybe if you have.
Renee and I spent the day idling. It was raining, she's been working on college apps on line and I was reading Waiting For The Barbarians. It is a well written and disturbing book and it is the last of my assigned books for next semester. Now, I can read anything I want!!! I have enjoyed all the reading but I'm thinking I'm going to read something ....nice.
I started fooling around with another site design. It might behoove me to pay more attention to the content and less to the decor. I keep sleeping badly and then I wake up tired and can't get out of bed or think clearly. Perhaps I need to switch to writing at night. I love having the morning quiet time, breakfast and writing. But, I'm not exactly inspired lately.
I spent yesterday loading CD's into my computer and trying to put together something to burn. It is kinda fun, making a playlist. Toni Morrison and Noam Chomsky were both on CSPAN.
12 30 01 5:00PM
I'm eating St.Andre and pretzels. Doesn't that seem like the sacred and the profane?
I got caught up blogging all day. Read some great on line journals. There was a young woman who described her day of sleeping, showering, eating and journaling. Made me laugh!! I get so worried that I'm not being facinating enough. There's a whole thing called Live Journal filled with people, just writing their lives. Two of my favorites were chubbycherybomb and lusciousdame. I really spent hours doing this while listening to Shelby Foote and Studs Terkel on Book TV. Despite the feeling that I was spending an enourmous amount of time doing nothing in particualr, which I suppose was an acurate feeling, I felt like it was a worthy activity. I found a photo log, Common Threads, on which I got this photo. If you click on it you go to the web site of the photographer.
My favorite find was All About My Vagina. Although Sage would be a close second. And then Kam sent this link.
It all started because I was trying to think up a new design.
12 31 01 10:06AM
I'm such an obsessive. Once I started playing with the pages ... I couldn't stop!! I joined a web ring. Gulp. This is tiptoeing into the fray. I mean, maybe. It means that people I don't know may stop by to read the site. Gulp, again.
People whose sites mention books that they are reading often link to Amazon. Well, I do order from Amazon, but they are the behemoth of book buying. So, I'm linking to A Clean Well Lighted Place For Books. It's a local store. It's a token gesture against corporate dominace. Mandela's autobiography is not assigned for the class, I bought it because I couldn't find the assigned book, No Easy Walk To Freedom, a smaller book of his letters. But, I've always wanted to read the autobiography and it's great.
And I gave up on using the OED word of the day in a sentence very day. It just got too goofy. But I put a link to the word.
I haven't resolved the problem of when to write, morning or evening. Evening won't work when school starts. But, I'm still having the problem of not sleeping at night and not being able to wake up in the morning.
I love all the sum-up-the-year shows. Of course, the year is bifurcated by 9/11 and the sum ups are rhetorical. My own year is signified by getting into the MFA program. I've needed a job all year, now more than ever. I work hard at school, but I'm not used to not having a job. Neither is my bank account. But, I've been lucky to have the time to really work on writing. And I've kept this page going. I've redesigned and fussed and toyed with and written a little sumin, sumin, every day, almost.Pretty cool. I feel gratitude. I feel dread. The future seems uncertain and intriguing.
Peace.
I would like to achieve the kind of radiance that can bring about nonviolently what other people might have to do violently. - Simone Weil