August2 2003 Through
an act of will and with
the help of a nice
meal
of oysters and olives and
gin and melon and prosciutto
and ricotta dumplings and
a fig tart ... I pulled
myself back into the land
of the willing to articulate.
I
had this healing meal with Cheryl,
who has done me the favor
of line editing my mess
of a manuscript. She is
the best line editor ever. How is it possible that
I could type the word unwavering
when I meant unwaveringly
and miss that fact in so
many rereads? If you read
me you probably notice that
my spelling and punctuation
leave a lot to be desired.
Sometimes it's coz I don't
know and sometimes it's
coz I'm just a space and
sometimes it's coz I'm fooling
around.
So
today I will go through
it all and put the commas
where they belong and not
where I have them.
While
I was out I bought myself
a
yellow lily and a purple
lily.
I am looking at them now
and willing myself to remember
that life is full of beauty
and friends and lovely meals
and commas to fix and reasons
to take the next breath.
August4 2003 Rocco.
Oh my gawd. I love him.
I hate him. I swear. He's
in the front of the house,
sticking his tongue in the
ear of a female customer
and his staff is freaking
out because there are so
many problems. I keep wondering
if he's going to have a
holy moment soon. And it's
kinda cool that's he's willing
to be seen at his worst.
Or. Maybe he doesn't feel
like he's at his worst.
I just wanna see more of
the kitchen on this
show.
That's where the drama is.
Renee
and I went to Cafe
Jacqueline
for her birthday dinner.
I was there for the first
breath she ever took. And
now I can have a conversation
with her about poetry and
friendship and art. It's
just the most amazing thing.
Souffles are fun.
And
since I'd been swimming
in the morning I was hungry.
August4 2003 Rocco.
Oh my gawd. I love him.
I hate him. I swear. He's
in the front of the house,
sticking his tongue in the
ear of a female customer
and his staff is freaking
out because there are so
many problems. I keep wondering
if he's going to have a
holy moment soon. And it's
kinda cool that's he's willing
to be seen at his worst.
Or. Maybe he doesn't feel
like he's at his worst.
I just wanna see more of
the kitchen on this
show.
That's where the drama is.
Renee
and I went to Cafe
Jacqueline
for her birthday dinner.
I was there for the first
breath she ever took. And
now I can have a conversation
with her about poetry and
friendship and art. It's
just the most amazing thing.
Souffles are fun.
And
since I'd been swimming
in the morning I was hungry.
So
I was reading Dorothea.
And I keep thinking about the locutionary
force of a link. And I had to write about
it. Probably just because I wanted to use
the word locutionary in a sentence.
At
issue is a delinking. It's interesting because
I've done a lot of thinking and feeling
about the whole blog roll thing. There are
people on my blog roll who I haven't taken
off because I was afraid of something like
this. There are people who I felt hurt by
for one reason or another. And I stopped
reading them because I didn't like myself
when I was reading them.
I
mean it's really odd. If I have a problem
with a friend I can call them and we can
talk and work it out. Maybe. Sometimes things
never get worked out. Sometimes they do.
But text based relationships are difficult
sometimes. Or at least they are for me.
I've been really hurt by on line stuff.
And often my solution is to back away from
the screen.
I
was delinked once. I found out I was being
linked because I did a vanity search on
Google. It was kind of exciting to find
someone who was reading me. It wasn't someone
who was an avid blogger and I didn't link
them but I went back from time to time and
one day I wasn't in the list. And, despite
the fact that I had no relationship with
this person, I felt hurt. And I felt weird
about feeling hurt. I really wanted to know
why. Soon after, I noticed that the person
was dieting and I figured that maybe they
didn't like my fat revolution stuff. But
I'll never really know. And, clearly, I
still wonder about it.
I
have taken people off my own blog roll for
a variety of reasons. Once I read something
so politically offensive on a blog that
I didn't even read that often that I delinked
them. But there are people on my blog roll
who write stuff that I find offensive and
I still read them.
Relationships
are so complex.
Lately
I've taken the whole thing less seriously.
I keep adding links to new people. I know
I can't get through the whole thing in one
sitting. There are people I read every day.
I dunno. It's just a kind of book marking.
Except...
You
know ... I'm not linked on Wood_s
Lot.
(Not true anymore. Thank you Mark.) And I check. I really do. I adore Mark and
I set time aside every week to hang out
with his blogging and I always look.
And I'm never linked. And I always feel
sad. And I always think that it's coz I'm
not cool enough. And I always tell myself
that those feelings are an atavism to my
schoolyard days. And I try to snap out of
it. And every time I go back ... I check
again.
So
there is locutionary force. Or perhaps perlocutoinary
force.
I'm
writing this because I just really like
Dorothea. And I think I understand why she
did what she did. But I'm afraid I may be
adding my own feelings to the mix. So I've
decided that I don't need to understand.
I just need to say that relationships are
complex. And I just need to say that I really
like Dorothea. Out loud. Because she has
such a heart, and sense of ethics, and need
for dignity, and she does not suffer foolishness,
and she feels things.
As
do we all. And the whole
thing is a trinity
of possibility with a force that I have
yet to completely define for myself.
August5 2003 I
am cleaning my kitchen. I mean really, really
cleaning. Taking things off of shelves and
moving tables. Really.
And
I'm listening to JM,
which is still on the disc player from when
Renee
was here.
There are lots of lyrics about -- who you
are.
Racing
cars, whiskey bars. No one knows who you
are.
You
stayed up all the night and watched me,
to see, who in the world I might be.
Remember?
And
so I'm thinking about how that was the question
when I was young. Who am I? Oh baby was
that the question. And I'm not sure I've
ever stopped asking. And I'm not sure I
should. But the feeling of the question
is different. Less frenetic. Less important.
Perhaps.
In
the movie yesterday Tobias
talks about being a cannibal. He was this
young painter guy in NYC and he went to
Peru just because he was drawn to go there.
And he walked through the jungle just because
he felt drawn to do it. And he found a tribe
of people and lived with them for a while.
One night they went on a raid of another
village and killed all the men and ate them.
He hadn't realized that they were cannibals.
They gave him some to eat and he did. And
he was haunted by the act.
But
he didn't have criticism for them. He saw
the raid and the cannibalism as part of
their life. And he did not judge it by western
standards. And yet, he was troubled by having
been there. And in the movie he is seventy
and he has returned to Peru and he is looking
for the tribe. They wear clothes now
and no longer attack or eat other tribes.
In
a final scene he is thinking about whether
he is a cannibal. He ate the flesh of another
human. So for that one minute he was. And
he says the sentence, "I am a cannibal."
It
isn't an expression of guilt. It's an acknowledgement
of where life took him and what he did in
response. It's a digesting of experience,
as it were.
So
the answers to the question now are full
of all the things I've ever said and done
and thought and felt. And. It's none of
those. But the answer is somewhere in a
dance of what is inside and what has happened.
That's
what I'm thinking about while I scrub the
grease off of the stove top.
You
know. The grease from when I cooked the
chicken.
August6 2003 The
kitchen clean-a-thon is
only half way done. Mostly
coz I stopped to watch The
Fast Runner.
Another beautiful movie.
The
Netflicks
thing is cool but I end
up with inadvertent theme
weeks. I tried to arrange
my queue a little bit but
things just get funny. This
week, apparently, is tribal life.
Years
ago, when I had a job in which I was making
some cash, I made an effort to get dental
care. I didn't have benefits or insurance
so it was expensive. And I got a couple
of gold crowns. While the guy was putting
them on he decided I needed a third partial
crown. And that was going to cost MORE money.
he told me this while I was in the chair
all rigged up for the work and not in the
mood to imagine doing it all again. So I
agreed to the MORE money. And on the way
home I went to Macy's and spent MORE money
on some sheets. That's the goofy way I react
to things. Once the money starts to go I
just figure ... what the fuck?
The
sheets were way too expensive. They were
white with roses drawn in grey. They were
so beautiful and soft. Yesterday morning
I woke up and realized that the bottom sheet
was ripped from all my tossing and turning.
So I remade the bed with the much less expensive
sheets I got from CostCo.
Today
is laundry and finishing the kitchen and
ohmygawd do I need a job.
Hiroshima
was fifty eight years ago. You can listen
to the Democracy
Now commemoration
on line. I spent some time trying to find
some of Jon Hersey's book on line but all
I came up with was a page about the publication
in The New Yorker.
How I wish I thought we would never do anything
like that again. And how I know that the
likely
hood is too great.
August7 2003 My
friend Steve Conn has released
his new disc.
I
can't recommend it highly
enough. Steve is the coolest.
If you live near Nashville
you can go hear
him.
I
really do gotta get a job.
All this movie watching
and cleaning is about avoidance.
It's not that I'm avoiding
looking for a job. I look.
And then I have to lay down.
It's not that I don't want
to work. I do. I want to
write. And I did actually work on some writing
yesterday. But. Ya know. Money.
Sigh.
Plus.
Reality shows are invading
my life. I still don't like
the marry somebody ones,
or the live through this
shows. But last night I
watched Roseanne.
Did I mention that I was
in a play with Roseanne?
Yep. Back in the day. She
was being a comedienne in
Denver and I was trying
to be a rock-n-roll star
in Boulder. Some woman had
written a (terrible) one
act play in which we played
two fat sisters. It was
SO dumb. But we had fun.
I really loved her. And
I think we might have been
friends if she hadn't gotten
famous. But. Maybe I'm wrong.
It
was fun to watch her. I'm
not sure how, uh, real it
all is. But it was fun.
I know she had weight loss
surgery. And that makes
me sad. And mad.
I
dunno. Maybe we wouldn't
be friends. I'm not sure
I would dig the whole Hollywood
thing. Well. Wait. I am
sure. I wouldn't dig the
Hollywood thing. But ya
know she shoulda hired me
to do the cooking show!
I mean come on. That woulda
rocked!
Nah.
We probably wouldn't get along. But I really
did have fun with her, so long ago, and
I watched the show with that feeling.And
now she has all this money and a studio
and she and her crew are sitting around
trying to think of something to do. All
I could think about was all the people I
know with great ideas and no money. She
had to hire a producer and all I could think
was HIRE ADRIENNE!! Maybe she should do
a cooking show with Rocco.
I
can't believe I'm watching reality TV. I
really need a job.
August8 2003
Does anyone have a dream
book? Look up spilt water and
broken glass.
I love Stephen.
And it's good that I do.
Coz he pushes me. And I
don't really like being
pushed.
Heh.
We
had our last meeting about
THE BOOK. He said lots of
nice things. And. He has
things for me to work on.
Nothing big. And lots of
things that I already kinda
knew. Like there are a few
too many pairs of sparkling
eyes. Groan. So it's one last push.
(Is
anyone keeping track of
how many times I say one
last push?)
I
feel all these emotions.
Working with Stephen was
really one of the best experiences.
It's pretty rare to find
someone who gets what you're
up to with writing. I just
don't trust that many people.
I trust him.
And
ya know. It's not like he
wouldn't talk to me about
the writing if I asked.
Or talk to me about anything
just for fun. But. It felt like breaking
up.
It's
like Stephen held a
space in which I could ...
I dunno. Respond. I guess.
And now I'm on my own again.
For a couple of
reasons that seem good and
not at all because I'm avoiding
digging in and doing the
work (cough) I've
made a page for the first
chapter of THE BOOK. And
I'm going to stop calling
it THE BOOK. I'm going to
call it by its title: Avoirdupois.
August9 2003
Politics. I can't stand
it. I really can't. Matt
announced that he's
going to run for mayor.
I knew he was going to do
that. I could feel it. NOW
WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING
TO DO????
I
can't stand feeling hostage
to the fear of the terrible
candidate. I'd like to
vote for the person who
most represents my views.
And that would be Matt.
I
love Tom.
And before Matt and Chris
were around he seemed pretty
radical. And now
...
Right
now the whole thing is giving
me a headache.
I
couldn't have been more
internally petulant while
I worked through Stephen's
notes. And it wasn't because
they were bad. I rewrote three paragraphs
down to one. I know it's better. I haven't
even gotten to the section that he really
wanted me to work on. I was just too much
of crank.
I finally quit and
watched Rushmore.
Which was sweet.
The
comments on the
chapter are
giving me much needed energy. I've been
comparing this to cooking a big meal. Sometimes
after I've cooked a big meal, like Thanksgiving,
I just don't feel like I can eat the food.
And this is the longest piece of writing
I've ever done. I'm so sick of it. And I
just have to dig back in. So THANK YOU!!!
August10 2003
I worked on more Stephen
notes. And it's not so bad. Things are ...
better. I hope.
Kristina and Joe showed
up with a pile of oysters
and two bottles of wine.
Really. ANYBODY can show
up with oysters and wine
and I'm lettin them in.
But I'd let these guys in
empty handed and hungry.
So
we drank a bottle and ate
the oysters and some olives
and some almonds.
And then we walked up to
Da
Flora
and had THE BEST dinner
and lots of good chat. Mary
Beth bought me a lottery ticket and then
put Bergamot
on my palms. For the luck, doncha know.
Deb
and I were in a book
store
and noticed a beautiful
smiling familiar face on
one of those free
papers.
I can't link up the article
because they're not exactly
up to date. But the picture
is here.
A
while ago April
wrote
about getting a Rosie the
Riveter Action figure. I
wanted one pretty bad. And
yesterday I got one. She
is sitting beside my monitor.
SO cute. She has her own
lunch box. The
company also makes a barista
action figure.
Ohhhhhhhh.
My
new
boyfriend
had his come to Jesus moment.
Literally. He had a priest
bless the joint. It was
kinda cute. And he actually
cooked. I kept thinking
he needed to stay in the kitchen for a week
or so. Really connect with the staff. But
he thinks he needs to be upstairs meeting
and greeting. He sat down with
a table full of plus size models.
I
HATED the way their entry
into the restaurant was
shot. It was like the entire
restaurant was making jokes about them.
And then the waiter tells them the size
of his jeans, which is like size 2. But,
in fairness, they were telling him he had
a nice ass. And
later that waiter, who actually
was
kind of cute and fun and hard
working, quit. And Rocco
let him go. But the bartender,
who also quit, got a promotion
and a Vespa. Rocco. Rocco
Rocco. What are you thinking?
Rocco
has what looks like a
faux blog.
I tried to leave a comment. You have to
fill something out that tells them whether
or not you're a small business owner and
whether or not you have an American Express.
I tried to leave a comment. It isn't showing
up. I wonder...could it be because I neither
own a small business nor have an American
Express card?
August12 2003
The big project for the
day was to print
three copies of Avoirdupois.
Two for school and one to
send to like ... an agent.
Ohmygawd
I can't believe I said that
out loud. It's so scary.
Deep
breath.
So
I was on page 210 of the
first print out and the
printer pitched a fit. It
decided it had a paper jam.
Which it did not. So I spent
THREE hours trying to get
some help from HP. When
I finally did it took three
MINUTES to fix things.
But
by then I was hella cranky.
Every time I print I go through mood swings.
I could work on this book for ever. And
I would never think it was good enough.
Sooner or later you hafta click on print.
I'd
been watching the
debate
while I was babysitting the printer.
Cyndy
has been faithful from the
beginning. I've been waiting
and watching. But why? I
know who I'm going to vote
for.
Also
watched a pretty great
forum
with Aaron
McRuder
and Cornell
West.
I'd vote for them. Cornell
said this great thing about if you haven't
felt despair, you haven't lived.
And
I watched a
movie
that I wasn't sure if I
liked. I kept thinking I
was bored and then it would
surprise me.
It's
Laurie's
one year blogoversery. And
Monica
made her a sweet surprise.
August13 2003
Karen and Sonya are here!
They drove in from Colorado.
We walked down to the
Pier
and had some
dinner.
I
managed to get the big print done just before
they arrived. I had to fight the printer
the whole day. But. It's done.
My
apartment is small and So is still asleep
on the floor behind me. Kar is in the shower.
I'm trying not to make too much noise but
the desk kinda rattles when I hit the keys.
I better be quiet now.
Sonya and Karen
shopped
and I sat in the cafe and read. (Too much
retail and I get very cranky.) They did
get some cool clothes for So. Then we went
to Green's, for lunch and to meet Deb and
see where Dean had worked.
Dean
is Karen's son who visited me to do an internship
with Deb who is the pastry chef at Green's.
He was here on September 11th. It was the
first time Karen's kids had both been away
from home. Sonya was at camp and Dean was
here. I didn't have perma links then but
I
was writing.
Then
we went to the
Haight
for more shopping and Timo's
for dinner.
I
sorta thought Mark
might be reading for news of our day but
it turns out he's in Aspen for a gig.
August15 2003
The vacation continues.
I do realize Karen and Sonya are the ones
on vacation but I decided that means
I am too. Heh.
First
we went to The
Cliff House
for breakfast with an ocean view. Ari met
us there, which made it all the more fun.
AND
THEN ... we went to Body
Manipulations
because Sonya had a couple of piercings
she wanted to get. And WHILE WE WERE THERE
.... I GOT MY NOSE PIERCED!! I've
been wanting to do this since I was in India,
which was twenty five years ago. And I also
wanted to do something when I turned fifty
(remember?)
but I never had a good idea. Then Renee
got her nose pierced on her birthday and
I started to think about it. And yesterday,
standing in the shop, I just decided to
go for it. I
wish I had a digital camera. But let me
just say that I am CUTE !!! Shannon (scroll
down)
was our piercer and she was very sweet.
Then
we went back to the Haight so that they
could shop more and I waited for them in
a cafe. Well. I did join them for the trip
to Amoeba.
Some
of you will notice my new tag line: This blog
makes my ass look fair and balanced. I'm
following Susan's
lead.
(I couldn't make the perma link work on
that post) I have always adored Susan's
tag line: Does this blog make my ass look
big? She changed her's to Does this
blog make my ass look fair and balanced?
She was following Lisa's
lead.
Lisa's blog now has the words fair and balanced
in the title.
I
saw the panel
discussion
in which Bill O' Reilly saw the
Al Franken book and
proceeded to act like a child. And I saw
Molly and Al being interviewed afterward,
but Bill wouldn't be interviewed with them.
And now there is the ridiculous
law suit.
Sheesh.
I
haven't had much time for blogging. I was
able to skim Lola's
blog.
Amazing.
I
haven't had much news time. People are always
telling me to take a break from the news.
Now I do and the lights go out all over
the east coast. Jeez. Can't everyone keep
it together till I'm done with my vacation?
August16 2003
My fun week has kept me
from doing the blog roll stroll. I feel
so out of touch. But I was happy to learn
(From Dru) that I inadvertantly particpated
in Fair
and Balanced Friday
Yesterday
we hooked up with Renee and had Dim
Sum
and then up to Twin Peaks for
the view
and the Haight ... AGAIN. We're such hippies!
Last
night we were all kinda crashed and woozy.
Karen
does have a digital camera but I don't have
the thing to get a picture into my computer.
So we'll have to wait for her to send
it to me for a picture of my nose. But I'm
just sayin...it's HELLA cute.
For the last six years I've
been going to college. Last
week I turned in Avoirdupois
with my petition to graduate
for my MFA. I should know
If I graduate in a few months.
I'm not worried.
But
now what?
Hanging
out with Karen and Sonya
was rejuvenating. It's great
to see SF through the eyes
of people who don't live
here. It was great to be
able to spend time with
Karen and meet Sonya. The
last time I saw Sonya she
was eight years old. She's
a whole different person.
Some things are the same.
She's always been beautiful,
smart, funny and sweet.
She still is.
I
feel good.
But
now what?
Maybe
I should call my new
boyfriend
and ask for a job. I was
happy that they finally filmed in the kitchen.
The battering that kid in the kitchen got
was SO typical. All that shit and he can't
even pay his rent. My affection for Rocco
comes and goes. But I don't think any one
looks too good in this show except for Mama.
And that's why these "reality"
shows are loopy. The cameras and the editors
shape the way we see the people. But the
part of me that will always be a restaurant
worker just wants to jump in and fix everything.
Someone
remind me that the reason I went to school
was to get out of the kitchen.
So,
again. Now what?
It's
the first day of the week. And it feels
like the first day of everything.
Ansuz - Communications, wisdom and clarity, to attract others to your
cause, increase magickal energy.
Daeg - Increase and expansion, prosperity, growth, major turning points
in life, turning in new directions. 
Othel - Material possessions and protection of those possessions,
inheritance (can be genetic traits inherited from elders). 
