August 1

  Yesterday I was out doing some errands and as I walked past the playground at Washington Square Park a young Chinese American boy was looking at me, laughing and shouting - fat. As I got closer I looked up and said: Yes I am. He may have been retarded. His reactions seemed slow. He kept smiling and staring and as I passed I heard him say fat whore. He may have been saying the whore part before but I didn't hear it. When ever I am teased in public I have to summon my internal reserve and the fat part took some inner strength but the whore part was weird. It was so hateful. And all the while he had this goofy grin.

August 2

  The view from the top of the hill today was foggy. Marin was entirely concealed. And right in the middle of the bay things were clear and a little boat was pulling a much bigger boat. I stood there struggling to feel grateful for the fact that I live in such a beautiful place. I didn't get a job that I had done an interview for, class felt brutal last night and I am feeling paranoid in public.

August 6

  I've had two conversations recently, one with my aunt and one with my mom, in which both say I was not always fat. They make the distinction that I was chubby as a child but not fat. I remind them of the picture of me at camp in which another child is able to hide behind me. I remind them that, as a child, I was Fatty Patti. But, no, I was not fat. It's amazing. It's an example of how fatness is read as something that can be changed. If I was tall they wouldn't be in denial. It makes me laugh but it is also infuriating.

August 7

  I saw Aaron Peskin, my district supervisor, on my walk today. It's kooky how happy that makes me. It's the small town thing. Wanting to be a part of a community. And I like Aaron.

August 9

 I have the terrible habit of keeping the TV on in the background. Terrible because, I am almost always irritated by the way in which fat people are represented. There is a show on Monday nights, Boston Public. A while ago they had an episode in which a fat girl gives a boy a black eye, or something (I didn’t see that part) because he calls her a name. The wrestling coach, whose team is not winning many matches, seeks her out and asks her to join. She does and she becomes a school hero. Her father is proud. It seemed like an interesting way in which to include a positive image of a fat girl. There was a scene in which the team is struggling to pick her up after she wins. I was ambivalent. In this week's episode her character returned. The English teacher confronts her with not having turned in an essay, and says not to let the sports and popularity distract her. The girl rises to the call, and turns in her essay. After all, she has to be an extra good girl if we’re going to accept her. That night at the match she is wrestling a young man, and she pins him, but she has a heart attack. She is rushed to the hospital, has a teary moment with her father and some teachers, her aorta bursts, and she dies. There is a funeral scene in which the father thanks the school for making a place for her, in sports. The English teacher tells another teacher that her essay was about a little girl that wanted to be a ballerina. So, this young girl, vibrant, healthy, involved in a daily sports activity, dies suddenly of a heart attack? Is that realistic? Believe me I don’t have the television on today.   

August 13

 I went to see the Cultural Heritage Choir last night at La Pena. Eric Bibb opened. It was fantastic. The vibe on stage was so sweet. It reminded me of my music days. Not that it was all sweet for me but there was a time when it felt like folks, making music. We went to each other's gigs and it felt like everyone knew everyone. As people became famous things got sharper and crueler. I'm not sure if it was the fame or just that as we got older things started to happened interpersonally. You know, so and so took so and so's  boyfriend, blah, blah, blah. I was lucky to have my little career. I'm not a great singer but I had some stage presence. Being on stage, singing, was the best. Everything I had to do to get there seemed to hurt. But, watching these folks last night, at La Pena, I felt that sweetness again. The Cultural Heritage Choir does spirituals, field songs and blues. There is a political feel to the music. It reminded me of when Steve Conn use to sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic and because his voice is so rich the song had a bitter/ sweet quality.

August 20

 Last week was odd. I had my last class in the summer intensive, handed in my work and drifted into a stupor. I played with my SIMS, took naps. The week was over. This morning I was hoping to be a bit more energetic. I woke up, took a shower and wanted to go back to bed.

The forces of darkness really seemed to be winning. Amy Goodman's situation escalated and there was no Democracy Now two days last week. Mumia wasn't permitted to attend his trail and a man who has confessed to the shooting wasn't allowed to testify.

This weekend I watched The Messenger, one of the spate of Joan of Arc movies. It was pretty good but it made me think about how easy it is to convince yourself that you are right about something. This was made real for me when I heard some republican, on one of the Sunday morning talk shows, talking about how successful Bush has been, so far. EEK.

August 27

  Monday comes around and I begin again. The last two weeks have been a zone. I just couldn't focus. It could be hormones,depression,ennui. But this week school starts and Dean comes to visit. So, I'm trying to snap out of it. Most of my journals have gone this route. I get spacey and I just stop writing.

August 28

  Today is a national day of support for Amy Goodman and the staff of Democracy now. There are demonstrations and e-mail campaigns.

Yesterday I was clicking around and I followed a link from Mood Swings to a site that I thought was an on line journal. I started reading it and noticed that the guy was into progressive politics. I decided to e-mail him a link. Suddenly I realized that it was Wil Wheaton, who played Wesley C rusher on Star Trek. I was quite the fan of the show and it was a kick to e-mail him. His political commitments don't seem to included feminism and he made a reference to some one being a fat guy that could be read as  a slam. He's young. But it is a nice site.

For some reason I'm thinking a lot about boys and sexism. No doubt having to do with a conversation I had with Jo Ann about men taking the work of woman seriously.

August 29

  Last night was my first class. It was interesting because most of the folks were in my summer program and yet as we did our introductions I felt as if I knew nothing about them. I like the teacher and the book she has chosen for us, The Best American Essays of the Centuries. It's edited by Joyce Carol Oates. I volunteered to submit writing in two weeks. EEK. I've been trying to write a piece on the choice to cover, for women. Interestingly, just saying I would do it for class got me fired up. As a wonderful surprise David Meltzer is on KPFA this morning, talking about the beats.

August 30

  Well, now I have two classes. One seems warm and cozy and one seems uncertain and fierce. There's a balance in that I suppose. I came home wound up and musing and feeling like I need to read everything all at once. Writing is impossibly narcissistic. Or maybe it's just the drone of ... doubt.

The thing about the boys and sexism thing is ... the fear of ... how much the programing of the culture ... erases me. I'm stuttering. I'm still feeling through this one. Because I am wary of describing things in terms of polarity and ... yet ... it exists, if only temporarily. Doesn't it?

August 31

  OK. Why do I even try to watch TV? I like Will & Grace. I'm not sure why; because they always do fat jokes. Last night one of the characters said his boyfriend wouldn't touch him because of his love handles. And then, before I could turn of the tube Just Shoot Me began, and I know I don't like that one. And in the first few minutes they made a joke about fat cowgirls. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

But, I got a massage and acupuncture from Lynn so, I'm feeling pretty good!

And lots of my sweet classmates wrote to me about liking my site. I just need to keep the television turned off until the supervisors get back from their break.